GrumpyJasper

one of my biggest faults is that when i ask someone their name I forget to listen to what their name is

@NatureUnedited That water looks like the Bahamas

Cows are actually really good swimmers and in Ireland they’re taken by boat to graze on offshore islands

My ❤️. & 😂

You can literally have the worst week of your life and then a few days later, life becomes so beautiful again and you feel happier than ever. Remember this when you're going through a rough patch. It will pass. Give it time. God is on your side.

Everything is $1000 now. The mattress I got 5 years ago for under $500 is $1000 now. Office chair that doesn’t hurt your back? $1000. Something from the dentist? $1000. Everything is $1000.

Food trucks used to sell you 3 of the best tacos you've had in your life for $5 cash only and then people with Masters degrees started buying them and now it's 3 of the worst tacos you've had in your life for $18.50 plus a recommended 20% tip

Too on point not to share, “Aussie reply to Trump rant about NATO not being there for us. Mate. You run a country with 600,000 homeless people sleeping on the street tonight. A country where 40% of adults can't cover a $400 emergency without borrowing money. A country where insulin costs more than a car payment and people are rationing it to survive. A country where medical debt is the number 1 cause of bankruptcy. A country where women are dying in hospital car parks because doctors are too scared of abortion laws to treat a miscarriage. You lock up more of your own citizens than any nation on earth. More than China. More than Russia. More than North Korea. The land of the free has 2 million people in cages, and a quarter of them haven't even been convicted of anything. They're just too poor to make bail. Your life expectancy is going backwards. You're the only developed nation where that's happening. Your infant mortality rate is worse than Cuba's. Your kids do active shooter drills between maths and English while you sell the gunmaker's stock to your mates. Your minimum wage hasn't moved in 15 years. You've got teachers working 2 jobs and veterans sleeping under bridges and you just spent a trillion dollars flattening a country that didn't attack you. And you’ve got a convicted felon, adjudicating raping, paedophile protecting, porn star shagging insurrectionist running the biggest dumpster fire war campaign since the Taliban thanked you very much for losing again. And you're calling Greenland poorly run? Greenland has universal healthcare. Free education. One of the lowest incarceration rates in the world. Nobody goes bankrupt there because they got sick. Nobody dies in a waiting room because their insurance said no. "NATO wasn't there when we needed them." When exactly was that, champ? September 11? Because NATO invoked Article 5 for the first and only time in history FOR YOU. Soldiers from dozens of countries deployed, fought, bled, and died in Afghanistan FOR YOU. Australia wasn't even in NATO and we still showed up. For 20 years. And you pulled out at 2am without telling anyone and left them to deal with the mess. So maybe before you start calling other countries poorly run, have a look at your own backyard, you spray-tanned aluminium siding salesman. The only thing poorly run in this picture is your fucking mouth. Credit (borrowed from) Jim Scroggins - original author 📷 unknown”

Trump is the only president in U.S. history who has reopened the Strait of Hormuz 17 times in one week. No other president has ever been able to do that. Not even Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, or Benjamin Franklin. Trump is making Iran Great Again! Best president ever!

@Idarabasimi When my partner’s mother passed, I was across the country & only able able to leave for 24 hours. Debated whether it was worth it. What if flight got delaye?. Took redeye,ubered to church& left for airport as soon as it was over. Didn’t get to speak to him but it was worth it

I looked up flights back. If I take the red-eye Friday night I land 45 minutes before the ceremony. No sleep. Straight from airport to church. Then fly out immediately after the reception. I’d be there — technically. But would I really be THERE?

I need to get this off my chest because I haven’t slept in 3 days. My brother is getting married Saturday. I’ve known about this wedding for 8 months. Helped plan it. Paid for part of it. And now I might not be there.

I just got a Venmo request for $3.40 from a guy named Craig. Craig and I went to a group dinner on Thursday. I didn't sit near Craig or speak a single word to him. Craig ordered a steak and three margaritas while I had a side salad and tap water. When the bill came, someone yelled to just split it evenly and I paid $85 for my lettuce. Now Craig is requesting $3.40 because he calculated the tip wrong and feels he overpaid. I could decline it. But Craig is the VP of Sales and I'm a middle manager. So I paid the $3.40 and added a little heart. I hope Craig chokes on his next margarita.

@Nessakins_ Did you lose the weight through your many farts? Air can put extra lbs on

I ate ground beef and broccoli for lunch and dinner every day for 30 days while on my fitness journey, and this is what happened: -I lost 4lbs -I had the worst farts ever

@cobavines @HighHeelEsquire My parents put my 11 yr old self & 6 yr old sister on a plane from Fl➡️ Newark➡️ France by ourselves to visit my grandmother. It was wild 30 yrs ago . We had a great time & learned some pretty important skills. They feel so badly now lol. No regrets for me though:)

@HighHeelEsquire She is THIRTEEN. If she was 16 or 17, yes this would be crazy overbearing. What are they doing at just 13 they don’t want the mom to see? She’s too young to be totally unsupervised. I don’t think this is too much at all. They’re babies.

“It’s ok she doesn’t have to go” is FRYING ME 😭😭😭😭😭

This tweet is hilarious, but what’s also hilarious is the wide variety of friends and followers who have sent it to me today. From liberals to conservatives, evangelicals to Jews, the straightest men to the gayest women.

You can have one bottle of wine and black coffee on this diet from Vogue magazine in 1977. Not mentioned are the cigarettes you can smoke between meals.

Absolute bombshell on Sky News. A prominent Middle East expert reveals Trump completely purged the State Department of real diplomats, leaving the entire Iran crisis to real estate developers Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff. The incompetence is staggering.

My Uber driver is constantly talking about marijuana and all the way to smoke it. Gonna be real awkward here in about 10 minutes when he drop me off at home and my patrol car is parked in my driveway.

😂

@Matt_Pinner Ethel :)

Vintage old lady name for this DOG please

@Charlygotyou And then it explodes in the freezer a few days later 😑😑

ADHD person about to make a mistake: “I’ll put my drink in the freezer so it cools faster!”

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when another diner came over and said to me: "Can you shut up? You've got a very loud voice". I said: "My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn't that right?" And to her enormous credit she replied: "WHAT?"