kidversations

Another mom asked me what time I wake my kids up in the morning and I’ve never been more confused.

@Kronykal Mark this under reasons men should not be in charge of women’s bodies.

This chick friend of mine says every time she sneezes, coughs or laughs hard she pees a little. She claims this is common but I call bullshit.

Parenthood is paying $100+ for a babysitter just to spend "date night" sitting in the car because now you're too broke to actually go anywhere.

@VerifiedDrunk You can’t not sing this tweet

that's me in the corner, that's me with the Bud, Light, getting drunk at Chili's

Ouch, burn.

Me: I’ll let you know when dinner is ready 5: We’ll hear the alarm Me: I didn’t set an alarm 5: No, the fire alarm

The apple that never gets eaten in my kid’s lunch box is one of my longest relationships

I like to give my kids instructions they can easily follow, like: please share with each other and don’t forget to fight about who gets it first

Marriage is amazing. You basically get a built-in bestie to blame everything on.

Me: *Making myself lunch* My 3yo: Mmm that looks good. Let’s go sit down and eat it.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the office translator for 80s movie references no one else gets.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn't see a lot of these Twitter accounts

My friend in dance class asked me if I was ever a cheerleader and I laughed so hard I choked on my water.

Some days I feel like I'm a well adjusted adult, other days I get mad that a movie left Netflix, even when I own the movie's DVD.

I’ve been on earth almost 48 years, and I’ve never seen my mom’s bare fingernails without polish

Had my hair cut into a bob and coloured red yesterday. Went to bed looking like Mary Quant and got up looking like Ziggy Stardust.

in true dad fashion I'm going to spend part of my Saturday morning cleaning the garage and smoking a cigar.

My 8yo is trying to sell the halloween candy he can't eat to his brother for $2 a piece, so who do I call to report price gouging

I just gave my husband listening instructions. “When there’s noise coming out of my mouth, that’s me speaking.”

you have the face of someone who likes almond joys and has 12 cats.

Good morning! Remember to drink water and that you’re a good parent. These kids are just bad.