tiny angry space cowboy

@MNateShyamalan Okay there's not having a favorite soup because you don't care about soup, and then there's not having a favorite soup because you care TOO MUCH about soup, and I think the latter should be okay. Respected, even.

I'm... back? Sorta? About to entirely delete my account and all of my tweets? Here to chill on this sinking ship until the memes run out? Great question.

*at a job interview* “Can you perform under pressure?” Me: “I’m not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothing.”

you can learn a lot about a person by what memes they curate for you. very interesting........... and why the fuck did you think i would like this

Oh sure so it's okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

Mary:

@saramcclarinet ahahahaha omg

Guy at the opera: So what voice type is your husband? Me: Soprano Him: Oh wow!! A male soprano! Me: No, just a soprano. Him: Ah, a countertenor you mean? Me: My WIFE is a SOPRANO!

Hey you! Yes you! I checked with HQ, they just got someone to take over your shift obsessively monitoring the internet for things that won't change until tomorrow at least. You're off duty! You're free!!!

i ran 80,000 simulations and boy are my legs tired

Let's gooooooo

Invented a new drinking game where you watch the election results and drink when anything.

Do y'all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

2024 your election pants 🤝 me wondering how it's this tight

is the reason election day isnt a federal holiday literally just voter suppression

@Komaniecki_R B-w-hh--wait!

they should invent an election where you watch the results and don’t want to kiII yourself

In an ideal scenario the President of the United States and the worst person in the world would be two different people.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.