Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face

Blew my nose so hard my eyebrows swayed

So after 2 weeks of providing @O2 customer service with information about the phone sent to their recycling team, they are unable to help because they have received the phone. In a long line of ineptitude they are at the front.

@O2 How many breaches of contract does it take to recycle a phone? You received my device on the 11th of February, didn't pay within 2-3 days. Contacted you 25th Feb after no correspondence, to be told display is damaged, it wasn't. Agreed for phone to be returned, it wasn't.

I was in baked goods before realizing I’ve dragged my smart car into Costco with me. Forgot to unbuckle the seatbelt — again.

That's the trouble with optimism: it's bollocks.

My good nature and low intelligence are why I don’t have trust issues.

It's subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

My most successful grass seed collection day ever!

*narrowing eyes* Say "quaint" one more time.

If you have two accounts here now you can call it TwiX ha ha ha *catapults phone into the sun

I didn't even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

I would say no

Happy birthday @mrsauntiepam may all your nugget fantasies come true and you get to them before I do

Went to swat a gnat and accidentally clapped when I missed, then it bowed and did some mid air backflips. So now we're friends.

Wife: You call this a gift? Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing.. Wife: You mean our dog?