Wendy S.

12: What do you want for Mother’s Day? Me: What I’d really like is for you to clean your room! 12: Me: 12: Me: 12: …so, like… a card?

@FatherWithTwins That’s him, dragging me off to buy more food and pants

How to spot a teen boy: He’s outgrown his pants He’s outgrown his shoes His voice is deeper Outgrown pants again Facial hair Outgrown shoes Eats like it’s his full time job Srsly shoes again? All the snacks Longer showers Shoes are too sma— Whoops time for pants again SNACKS

My kids apparently saw a “huge” spider and couldn’t sleep. I calmed them down, explained that it’s FINE, it’s just a spider, and got them to bed. Sheesh! Anyway, If anyone needs anything, I’ll be here and up all night because HELLO there’s a FUCKING SPIDER WANDERING MY HOUSE WTF

Gray nose hairs are like hate mail from your face.

Sending a shoutout to all the parents who turned a blind eye while their kids filled the good Tupperware with bubbles, ground up sidewalk chalk and grass clippings to make a “potion” because at least it keeps them outside and entertained. Happy summer!

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, "Nah, I like you fat."

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

78% of being a wife and mom is just reminding people what food in the house is available for their consumption.

The doctor who said my son has 20/20 vision has obviously never watched him try to find something in the fridge

The excitement my kids wake up with every day on summer break is a joy to see. Time to shut that shit down with some summer chores.

Kid: I made my own pancakes! 3 days later… Me: *still cleaning

@FatherWithTwins When your kid is 14 you have to remind him to not eat EVERYTHING

Half of summer break is reminding your kids they need to eat something

Me as a kid: ugh old people only listen to their old people rock music like get with the times gramps lol Me now: ALEXA, PLAY 90’s HITS AGAIN

The way I feel when I see any random cat is the same way my cat feels when she sees any random crumpled up piece of paper.

oh ok so I’m apparently at the point in my life where I need to keep deodorant in my purse because I can’t remember if I put any on cool cool

Not sure if I’d bring a gun to a knife fight, but I am for sure the mom who will bring broccoli to a beach vacation.

11: Why do people say “Do me a solid”? Can you do someone a liquid? 14: I don’t know, but I can definitely do a gas.

I’m home alone and drinking sangria and doing laundry. Is this a party? Am I partying ? I can’t tell anymore