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@SaucySeventies What is this from please? I want to say Kenny Everett but dance routines like this in a show were two a penny back then. Could well have been Coronation Street.

Ladies in leotards dancing to the Dallas theme tune. Not quite as good as the Dr Who ladies in leotards, but these ones have hats.

@tntsports @discoveryplus are you giving Steve Cram a backhander to make the Winter Olympics unwatchable on BBC? 🤔

@TfL @MayorofLondon UK Criminal courts do not, and never have, used a gavel. I can only assume if you catch someone you’ll take them to an auction? #London

@SamsungUK my tv has picked up a new habit: when I exit an app like Netflix or Amazon, it always takes me to channel 4999 (Rakuten TV Action) instead of the last broadcast channel I was watching. How do I make it stop doing this?

@fesshole Is the Fess coded into the text somewhere? I can’t seem to see it?

I was a team leader for quite a large company based in London. After the head of Human Resources retired the company decided to recruit internally and, without any prior communication or agreement with me, decided I was the best fit for the role. Nah, fuck that shit. I resigned.

@fesshole The very fact you have to let everyone know you’ve bought a “fast as fuck motorbike” that you “rag the fuck out of” suggests your girlfriend doesn’t give a shit and probably wouldn’t be too fussed if took a spill?

I'm 49 and just bought a fast as fuck motorbike. I'm terrified leaving the driveway in case my mum pulls up to visit. She can never know about it. Also, I rag the fuck out of it every time I go out, then lie to my girlfriend about just practicing slow turns and shit.

@fesshole Is your fess that you’ve selected random sentences from across the decades and stuck them all together?

Went on a date with a new flame. Invited back following supper. Upon entry to flats realised I needed a shit. Located toilet, did the business, found there was no loo roll. Too embarrassed to ask I opted for a shower. "All ok?" Still got laid and stayed with her for three years.

@fesshole Jesus Christ, if you’re going to submit a bullshit Fess, at least make your own one up. Did the TV at your school get nicked too, only for a kid to draw a picture of it in their living room? Fuck’s sake…

In primary school we were told to hunt down and draw any insect we had could near home. Took in my drawing and found it was of some sort of parasite insect that meant the farmer lost all his potato crops that had to be destroyed. I'd just copied it from a book. Sorry Farmer.

@anon_opin After reading this Opinion, the word Anchovy has lost all meaning

Anchovy paste that's been thinned out with olive oil and painted directly onto the pizza dough is a better way to present that anchovies that flicking a few anchovies on top of the black olives and chilli peppers.

@fesshole Yes, because the children would never have disputed the fact their warm chocolate drink now tasted foul and drank it all down. Try harder next time.

Grandchildren over for the weekend. I made them their bedtime hot chocolate bit absent-mindedly used coffee. You know what happened next but no one knows why, certainly not Nana, & I'm only fessing to you lot.

@anon_opin Yes, insurance companies famous for bringing prices down. Make your case but don’t talk shite.

The evidence in favour of 20 mph speed limits is overwhelming, cheaper insurance, less emissions, less car crashes, it saves the NHS, Police and councils money. But Gary from Port Talbot's commute now takes 42 minutes instead of 40 so it simply must go.

@fesshole Wayne promised he wouldn’t do this to Colleen again…

Recently, after my wife climaxes she's started saying "holy fuckaroonie". It's got to the point now where I'm there thinking "don't say it, don't say it" beforehand and it's really making it difficult for me to finish.

@RealTimVine Fair enough. It was a blink and you’ll miss it moment. My apologies to your hairline!

@mc_danx I just looked that up. I’ll have you know I had some hair in 1998!

@RealTimVine am I going mental or is that you playing with The Mavericks on Top of The Pops 1998?

@fesshole Surely it’s 5 old gits and a 1 massive cunt?

Every couple of months about 6 old gits meet up for beer and eat. I never have cash, the rest do, so I pay the bill & complain about the service, quality and items we shouldn't be charged for. I always get the bill discounted so I end up with spare cash and a free meal.

@anon_opin You sure? Every charity shop I visit looking for CDs suggests people only listened to Buddy Holly and Andre Rieu. There’s also a suprisingly large no of copies of “Gotta Get Through This” by Daniel Beddingfield. We’re a nation of regrets.

Admit it - you're beginning to regret sending all those CDs to the charity shop, aren't you?

@anon_opin If you’re drinking spirits out of a Nutella jar, you’re probably not that worried about accurate measures

Someone in the Nutella product section deserves a knighthood for the design of their jars that can be re-used as tumblers. There are four ridges that go halfway up the glass which correspond with a single, double, triple, and quadruple measure. Nice attention to detail.

@AvivaUK been trying to get a quote from your call centre and been on hold for over 10 minutes. Do you not want new business? Usually the department that wants to take your money is the only one you can get through to?

@fesshole I bet you’re the dopey twat who gets up and starts getting his bag out before the plane is at the terminal too?

Just went an entire flight without having airplane mode on. No casualties reported.

#popmaster strip him of his One Year Out t-shirt! Strip him I say!!!