RatedHComedy

@Talkin215 GO BIRDS!!!

This is the official GO BIRDS checkpoint. If you scroll by this post, you must reply GO BIRDS!

Amazon announced a new bedside monitor that tracks your sleeping patterns. The working nickname for this device is “The Alone Again?” #amazon #sleep #loneliness

@roywoodjr That burger would inspire me to commit a capital offense so that I could order it as my last meal. “Why did you kill all those people?” “The motherfucker had cheese on it!”

Smash or Bypass

@HeyDannyFranc 😂😂😂

@dominiczappia 🤣🤣🤣

I think I'm ten Batmans years old now.

It appears that scientists, for the first time, have cured a woman of HIV. When asked why the treatment took over four years to work, their response was, “because we didn't use magic”. #HIV #AIDS #magicjohnson #allclear

We're all just meat bags with brains.

@GarrettJokes The classic struggle between Boators vs Boatees.

Boat parades aka rich people throwing it in our faces

@ericarhodes Yes. And?

@GarrettJokes What makes it even more awkward is that the book starts out with, “We’re gathered here today brothers and sisters…”

Just like Jesus you found something hard to work on

@kalisuckz 😂😂😂

the best part about Grinch wrapping paper is that u can be terrible at wrapping and it’ll just look like you’re doing it as the Grinch

@dominiczappia There’s a stripper-dad who got infused with hope for their daughter seeing that it should be a smooth transition into becoming a teacher.

Oh my god.

A new study shows that blood from physically fit people can help protect the brains of the unfit. Much better than the original term coach potatoes, these people will now be called vampires. #AnneRice #vampires #coachpotato

@thatdudeisCesar @pattonoswalt I can picture it now: Costco return lady: “Can I help you?” Slightly perturbed customer: “I bought this for my dad. It didn’t work” (Costco return lady leans to the side and looks behind the customer at a slightly melted older gentleman). Costco return lady: “Store credit?”

@pattonoswalt It’s the best last purchase you’ll ever make or save some money and buy one slightly used

If INXS will let me license the song “Suicide Blonde” I have a fun commercial pitch for this.

In world news, an adventure company is making a fortune by taking travelers to remote destinations and getting them lost. Apparently, this company’s business model is to acquire driving directions from dads. #dadjokes #travel #Lost

@Eden_Eats 😂😂😂 @ “something useless”

@zachreinert0 😂😂😂

I think macgyver invented doing heroin. “Quick, someone get me a belt, a spoon, a needle, and a lighter”

@ccuse3 It’s a pretty damn sweet deal. Women should get better representation on the next collective bargaining agreement. Depending on negotiations…guys may have to normalize spontaneous cuddling and foot rubs. In the meantime enjoy the deep-tounging.

@kileynoodles TMI

I had to sign an NDA promising not to reveal how many NDAs I’ve signed.

@Ron_Flem 😂😂😂

Bill Belichick seeing Mac Jones shirtless at the combine: “It’s like looking in a mirror!”