Rock Foster

A #mentalhealth novella about #suicide and #depression that can make a serious difference to our landscape of understanding. Available from @AmazonUK and set in the #NorthEast with an old #NUFC Greenall’s strip making a cameo. #suicideprevention #NewcastleUnited #Kindle

@ChelseaFC you have another chance!

@fesshole Had to start it somewhere.

I took someone to a supermarket as part of a first date because of the lyrics to Common People by Pulp.

@fesshole Facebook groups are a Haven for liars.

I'm on a Facebook group for Caravan Owners who've been ripped off by the Park Site Management. I often post stories about my various caravans that I pay exorbitant fees for and the money I've lost; never owned a caravan in my life but it's nice to feel part of a community.

@fesshole You bank with Satander?

I'm really annoyed that the 3 digit code on my new debit card is 666 but I obviously can't tell anyone.

@ChelseaFC just want to put a word in for my mate Carney. He supports Chelsea and reckons he'd be a good manager. He once came 4th in our fantasy league which probably seems like a giddy height right now for you. He's also a PE teacher so has his own whistle and sports socks.

@ubereats_uk driver accepted mcdelivery order then waited over an hour before going to collect. Sat for 30 mins in another town. Watched on map then went to restaurant same time as him to find my order. McDonald's say complaint is for #ubereats and not them. Have screenshots.

@McDonaldsUK I have experienced the worst McDonald's order I have ever had. It was stone cold and missing BOTH the double quarter cheese and the double cheeseburger, as well as all of the sauces. My order number was 59B8D. No reply from Ryhope Road store, Sunderland. #mcdonalds

@offspring and @simpleplan I have waited so long for this! Far too old to call myself a kid.

@offspring and @simpleplan I have waited so long for this! Far too old to call myself a kid.

When you realise how much you have in common with the current best MMA fighters in the world. Same height as 3rd from left, same weight as second from right 🙈 @ufc #ufc #mma #MMATwitter

@fesshole Know what you mean.

I stole my stepdad's wedding ring, pawned it to buy Be Here Now on cassette and an ounce of resin and had the best couple of days. Unrelated, my Mam accused him of losing his ring while away on work and taking it off for affairs, so they split. Banging album though.

@OfficialSteps making a comeback with a cover of one of the best albums of the 80s. Can only mean awesome. @BonJovi #LetItPop #BonJovi #Steps

@StephenMulhern the show was absolutely amazing and I’m so excited to read Max Magic and practise your other tricks! Watch you all the time, love Eva-Lauren x @Butlins (p.s. you’re my fave, not Ant & Dec)

@StephenMulhern I loved your show today it was out of this world! You’ve made me want to do some of my own magic! @Butlins

@GMU12PHY @fesshole They’ve said Head Teacher of English. Casts doubt to the efficacy of their post.

@rock_foster @fesshole Head of English. Normal to have dept heads

I am a head teacher of English and though I love books and reading I absolutely despise the syllabus I am forced to teach but have to pretend that I agree with it. It's utter, utter bollocks; no wonder so many young people hate reading.

@fesshole Calling it coitus should do it.

To delay orgasm during coitus I simply imagine eating someone else's bogeys. Utterly, utterly repellent. Not my bogeys obviously. Those are delicious.

@fesshole No spellchecking on Fesshole today?

I love alone which has many perks, including eating dinner with my hands if possible. Yesterday was sausages, jacket potato and corn on the cob. Why use cutlery that you gotta wash up if no one is watching?

@fesshole She a witch?

Not overweight, but noticed that my wife is now regularly giving me the smallest potion when we have our family 'treat" meals. It's that, more than our complete lack of physical intimacy for 20 years, that makes me think it's all coming to an end.

@fesshole What if the next man/woman was an alcoholic?

Not alcoholic, just like beer as much as the next man/woman. However, have developed an inordinate fondness for having a beer on the dog walk. Think it's partly managing to sneak a can out the house but there's nothing so grand as walking the golf course at dusk enjoying a beer.