Cookie’s Eye Candy Redux

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Date yourself by dropping a pic of your first celebrity crush

Help a friend with a “Like” vote :)

When I hear that there’s a new Michael Bolton album dropping at midnight

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶ C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶ C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶

i need a girlfriend so we can spend fall doing fun seasonal things like swallowing pumpkins whole and hunting down the scarecrow that murdered my uncle

Settle spousal debate. Best way to consume cola?

Entourage is the frosted tips of TV shows.

I’m the Randy Travis of making country music singer comparisons that don’t make any sense.

me: so its actually far more impressive for Mariah Carey to have a song stay #1 for 16 weeks back in 1995 because people had to go out & physical buy the song and now-a-days you can accidentally stream a song and itll count towards its- girl at the bar: i think i see my friends

I wish Judi Dench was in the new 'Top Gun' instead.

man if i wanted to see what you will look like when youre old id just fucken cherish and tend to our friendship so that it remains constant throughout the years to come

waiter: do you have any allergies? me: latex waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat me: airplanes

@dkn33c Wang

if you could be a word, what would you be?

(On Facebook) “How is my baby ten already!?” Ten years went by. Time lapsed. That’s how it works.

I keep a pair of assless chaps in the car for emergencies.

Being a 43 year old "athlete".. Agreeing to play a weekend baseball tournament is really just pre-scheduling a trip to the ER.

My Medic Alert just says “NOT FUN”.

RESUME: “I’m a dedicated, hard working team player with a keen eye towards time management” WEEK ONE ON JOB: [spends 248 minutes watching assorted drag queens perform “Let It Go” as Elsa]

[bear twitter] A person in a sleeping bag is a ravioli