Chad Read

I’m gonna quickly shift this conversation so I can share some random information I learned on a podcast.

Older women that buy a pack of smokes at the gas station and then fire one up right after jumping back into their Subaru get me hard.

I'm not saying I haven't had sex in a long time but an archaeologist has pitched a tent in my bedroom.

You're either normal or you study the menu before going to a restaurant

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Remember when you used to go down on..... .........................my timeline. That was nice

Welcome to your 40s. If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

People who can swallow pills with a hot drink are not to be fucked with.

It must have been terrifying to be the first person with diarrhea

I hear ya, Brenda…if I had a nickel for every time I lost the scotch tape while wrapping gifts my wife wouldn’t have left me for that carnie in New Mexico.

I’ll be hosting a Tupperware party tonight if anyone needs any last minute Xmas gifts.

Your Xmas card is taped to the back of my bathroom door so I can stare at your family while I take a shit.

The guy who invented the kazoo must’ve been super annoying.

Accidentally snorted a pubic hair while doing a bump on top of the men’s urinal at the bowling alley.

Hello darkness my old friend. I stood up way too fast again.

Get in bitch… we’re going trilling with the insects

A survivalist said that if you get caught in fallout after a nuclear detonation, get inside and bathe ASAP but don't use conditioner as it'll bond radioactive particles to your hair. I don't think dry, brittle hair would be in my top 100 concerns if I'd just survived a nuke.

I'm not the only one farting in Hobby Lobby right now. One just hit me that wasn't mine.

Well well well, let’s see who’s wallowing in denial tonight.

Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.