Symplecs

@ekitikEraa What are they smoking there at the Emirates?

£40,000,001

@bernardooooV3 Taking the piss

The fact that Rayan Cherki could’ve run it to the corner flag to kill time but chose to embarrass Martinelli and Calafiori instead… yeah this guy is different 🤩🔥

@InsideLucysHead 😂😂😂😂

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex... He was a hardworking guy, and he still managed to satisfy his wife's needs. One time, he had to leave for another country for a business meeting. He would be gone for a week. He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks, so he thought he should gift her something so she could satisfy herself and didn't think about searching for a new partner, so he went to an adult toy shop. As soon as he entered, the first thing he saw was a blow-up doll, but he soon dismissed the thought of buying it since it was almost like another human. He then proceeded to the dildos section. There he saw all kinds of dildos, from massive to tiny to ones which glow in the dark, but none of them grabbed his interest, so he decided he would go somewhere else and began to leave the shop when he was stopped by the owner sitting behind the cash counter. "I know what you're looking for", the owner says This grabbed the businessman's attention, and he stopped to hear what the owner had to say. "There was a man many years ago who looked just like you, wealthy but tired. He had a wife whom he couldn't satisfy, and she was about to leave him when he came here and got my help. He's happily married since then" "How exactly did you help him?" asked the businessman. The cashier bent down and revealed an engraved wooden box from under the counter. There were all sorts of symbols on the box. He opened it, and inside it was a pink latex dildo, similar to the ones on the shelf. "This is an ancient artefact haunted by a Maori tribe who all died of sex deprivation when all the women of their village were killed in a plague, all their souls now reside in this dildo", said the owner. The businessman, being a sceptical guy, laughed and then turned to leave. The owner says, "You're all the same, thinking there's nothing above this material plane of existence. Watch this." The businessman turns around. "Voodoo Dildo, keyhole" To his astonishment, the businessman saw the box violently shake and the dildo rise in the air, float for a second and hover over to the keyhole in the front door and start to shag it. The dildo shagged the keyhole with such force that the door unhinged and started cracking. "Voodoo Dildo, box" The dildo stops shagging the door and returns to the box. "ILL TAKE IT, cried the businessman, and after a lot of negotiation, he finally purchased the dildo and ran home. He tells his wife about the dildo and how to use it. "Voodoo Dildo, pussy. That's how you activate it", the businessman told his wife and went on his business trip. After 3 days of being horny, the wife finally gave in to her urges and opened the wooden box, took out the dildo and uttered "Voodoo Dildo, pussy". The dildo shot from her hands and started shagging her. First slowly and then changing speed as the way she wanted. After an hour of shagging, the wife thought it was enough, and she grabbed the dildo to turn it off. But it didn't stop shagging her. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the dildo. She started panicking and called him, but he didn't pick up, so she started to dress up and go to the hospital, all the while the dildo was still shagging her. She got in her car and started driving. On the way, she had a huge orgasm, and her car swerved and almost hit another car. A cop saw this, and she was stopped at the side of the highway. A cop approached her. "Ma'am, you almost hit the grey SUV back there. Have you been drinking?" The wife then proceeds to tell him all about her husband and the voodoo Dildo and that she can't stop it now. The policeman then says, "Yeah, right, Voodoo Dildo my ass."

@FootyHumour @Bla_Taw He got a 100 cojones

Troy Deeney doing UCL punditry… bro analysing a life he never lived 😭

@TheYomiKazeem That PSG move ruined him

It's interesting to observe the Rooney v Neymar debates. My uneducated thesis is that a lot of people are discussing the career Neymar *could have had*, rather than the one he actually had.

@CountDankulaTV @nmnigelmarch This is so unhinged

The Afroman Trial. -Cops raid Afromans house for bullshit reasons. -Steal money, break his door, fuck his house up. -No criminality found whatsoever, no charges at all pressed on Afroman. -Afroman spends the next 3 years making songs that make fun of all the officers involved by name, even using footage of the raid from his own CCTV cameras. -Songs had titles like "Randy Walters is a son of a bitch" and "Lick Em Low Lisa" accusing one of the officers of being a lesbian and sleeping with the other officers wives. -During the raid one officer looked like he was about to eat some lemon pound cake sitting on Afromans counter, Afroman made a whole album calling the officer fat. -The cops get mad and file a lawsuit for defamation. -Afroman turns up to court in a whole American flag suit. -Officers performatively mald and cry while listening to the songs really trying to oversell how badly the songs upset them. -One officer was suing because Afroman made a whole song about him saying he was fucking the officers wife. When the officer was asked if Afroman was really fucking his wife, he said "I don't know". Nuking his own case and establishing that there is a non-zero chance that Afroman might actually be fucking his wife. -As his only witness for the trial, Afroman brought a deputies EX FUCKING WIFE. -The jury ruled completely in favour of Afroman. This entire thing has been a great win for free speech and absolutely fucking hilarious.

@EoJZimbabwe @temboyangu SaMakawa havasi Moyo here ava?

Ambassador Maekawa enjoyed an authentic Zimbabwean highly nutritious meal of small grain brown sadza, kale and beans. It was a first trial and liked the wholesome natural taste that comes with it. Ambassador Maekawa will put the fork and knife aside next time.

@Blessing_Olivi @GovnarAli Making stats out your bum?

Rooney V. Neymar Career. Goals Rooney - 364 Neymar - 448 Assists Rooney - 164 Neymar - 250+ Dribbles Rooney - Less than 300 Neymar - 3,084 Trophies Rooney - 16 Neymar - 39 Awards Rooney - Less than 20 Neymar - More than 70 Ballon D'or finish Rooney - 5th Neymar - 3rd Eye Test Neymar ✅ Free kick Rooney - 16 Neymar - 24 Market Value Rooney - €65m Neymar - €222m Rooney could put on the microphone and speak till eternity but he's never touching the level Neymar touched.

Tinzweiwo mambo.....

CAF may have opened a Pandora’s box. Apparently, in the 1976 Afcon finals Morocco left the pitch for 15 minutes because of a decision they did not like, only to return and win and become champions. Guinea may feel shortchanged.

@HoodFamousTV_ @IamStherh Bro been using AI bots for a long time

Multiple women have exposed their DMs with The Game where he uses the same pickup line😭😭😭

@KooNti10 @TanakaG42 Eggolf?

Branding is soo crazy...we all know who this is

@ReleGlo Nawe awula mali, match made in Heaven

Dating a broke guy can be really draining. You end up pretending you don’t like nice things just to protect his feelings, and acting like money doesn’t matter when it actually does 😪😭

@TonyLaneNV @i_ub2 Law is not about examples, but justice. Perhaps with further details about the robbery we can evaluate. Was he armed and caused bodily harm to anyone in the robbery etc? If just a break in even 5 years is crazy

@i_ub2 I think she’s trying to set an example so youngsters won’t do this again! 🇺🇸

18 YEARS OLD… 25 YEARS IN PRISON A Texas teen just got hit with 25 years for a convenience store robbery. The judge made it clear - probation wasn’t even on the table due to his previous record while being held in jail. Said he didn’t have a real chance at success outside. His family broke down in court as the sentence was handed down. At 18… your whole life is just starting - But one decision can change everything forever. Do you think this sentence fits the crime… or is it too much? ⬇️ 🇺🇸

At this rate we might as well go back to 1986 and overturn Maradona's Hand of God against England.

@Utdbrizzy Probably the “we are accepting championships offers for you” note

How are you handing Garnacho a note in the 85th minute at 2–8 😂😂

@Utdbeni If he can’t beat Amad in training sucks to be him

Shae Lacey and other academy players have been frozen out under Carrick but I guess the academy only matters when you don’t like the manager. We now have someone who understands the United way.

@stayEminent Pogba played when he wanted to, that’s why Mourinho called him a virus

I wish Manchester United fans did for Paul Pogba half of what they’re doing for Bruno Fernandes now

@HazelAppleyard 🤣🤣🤣yours is better, the big ones hurt

There is no recovering from this 😭

@TrollFootball2 Lol that’s why you are called troll football, now see all the ignorant comments 🤣

Jose Sa picks up a back pass in the buildup for Wolves goal against Brentford, goal stands even after VAR check 🤦‍♂️