Justin Ferguson

@McCainJack Nice! I just so happen to sport the patch.

@senatorshoshana He, too is a fan of marmots and sloths!

OH MY GD HOW DID I MISS THIS I HAVE MADE IT

@Mike_M_Klotz My 94 F-150 is best for me.

QOTD: what are the best vehicles you’ve driven? Bonus points awarded for not being typical.

@WaffleHouse Bet there's a Dollar General close to 'em!

nobody's been this far from a Waffle House before

Good afternoon - We wanted to show you the U.S. patent for a turn signal. Cause apparently some of y'all didn't know this existed.

@senatorshoshana What a maroon. Everyone knows Napali food is from NAPLES!

I kid but I'm pretty normal on dates. Meanwhile a guy trauma dumped about his younger years for 30 minutes on a first date recently and another scolded me for calling Himalayan food "Himalayan food" which is what a restaurant called it. He stopped me and was like "NEPALI food"

We pulled in to a Buc-ee’s last night and went to check our air pressures at the compressor, which charges $3 to turn on. The driver said “Three dollars!?!?” and without missing a fucking beat our co-driver said “That’s inflation for you…”

@JackCarrUSA I ordered one from @nove

2026 Indie Bookstore Campaign is a GO!    officialjackcarr.com/signed-the-fou… Depicted in the video is Bookplate 2 – ALL ROADS LEAD TO A RECKONING      4 signed bookplates along with a corresponding sticker depicting aspects of THE FOURTH OPTION available only through participating independent bookstores – free with your preorder of THE FOURTH OPTION.    Support an independent bookstore and enjoy the read!

@senatorshoshana It's just unbearliveable!

BEARS DO NOT LIVE IN HOMES STOP SELLING PEOPLE AN UNATTAINABLE FUTURE

@nilwxreports Warm, yes. Enough humidity to feel like you're walking in soup, no thanks.

So southern cities hate warmth??? Isn't that the point of living in the south?

@senatorshoshana He defeated the final boss and leveled up.

My mom: "So there's this actor, 'CHUCK NORRIS'..."

@BMWMotorsport This just makes me so daggum happy!

You dreamed it. We built it. The BMW M3 Touring 24H. What began as an April Fools’ joke turned into reality after your overwhelming demand in 2025. This beast is ready to take on the 24 Hours of Nürburgring—one race only. #WeBuiltIt

@senatorshoshana @SenMcConnell Happy birthday to ol' Mitch!

Team @SenMcConnell forever

@SpeedSportLife They locked my 1911 dagnabbit!

That's because it was fun for all of two weeks and then it just became the same thing over and over and over and the maps sucked

@3YearLetterman Coach, you forgot yore Dr. Pepper!

I had a very disturbing and borderline treasonous experience at Arby’s tonight After ordering five roast beef sandwiches and two orders of curly fries, I asked the young man behind the counter if he supported the strikes on Iraq “Sir I don’t think that’s what happened,” he said. “Junior,” I said. “You ma not remember this, but we beat their ass in wars in 1991 and 2003. We’re about to threepeat.” “Sir I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied. I called him an anti-American communist, snatched the sandwiches and fries out of his hands, and strode out of there without paying I received a standing ovation

@McCainJack That mustache fought a grizzly bear and won.

@3YearLetterman Is that a DAVErsion tactic?

Someone just called me Dave at Waffle House His tires no longer have air in them

@nomansland314z @3YearLetterman Because of the heart shaped biscuits this month.

@3YearLetterman why would you go to a Hardee’s?

At Hardee’s this morning, when the cashier rung me up, I turned to the restaurant and announced that, in honor of the dollar, the oldest and most valuable currency on earth, I would pay double today. I said that Bitcoin is a glorified Chuck E Cheese token and that anyone who owned it should leave the restaurant and the country immediately I received a standing ovation

@RightWingDad @3YearLetterman I, too consult rock before grok.

Those with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses are having the time of their lives with the latest release

@3YearLetterman Who needs Captain America when we have Coach Murica!

I made the mistake this morning of going to the “locally owned” “locally sourced” coffee shop this morning and had to put a lip-ringed employee in his place I ordered the breakfast sandwich and when he handed it to me, I asked what kind of meat was on it “Lamb sausage, sir. “Is this 100% beef-fed lamb?” I asked. “No it’s grass fed. It comes from a farm in Hall County.” “Well there are two problems with that, junior,” I replied. “One, I hate Hall County and everyone who lives there. It’s Diet Atlanta. Two, grass fed beef is practically a salad.” “Sir that’s all we have.” “If you choose to traffic in Marxism, that’s on you,” I said. “But this isn’t fit for human consumption and I won’t allow you to serve it.” I grabbed all of the breakfast sandwiches on the counter, strode out of there without paying, and fed them all to my pet Bald Eagle, President Franklin. I received a standing ovation