hanin never haneen

Spent the better part of the day begging my child to put on underwear, so yes, parenthood truly is a wondrous journey of miracles

Who knew the day would come when I’d have to explain to my toddler why putting his hand in the toilet and tasting his own pee was a bad idea? Not me.

In the midst of wrestling my baby into her blanket while mentally planning what to feed my older toddler for dinner, I wonder, will today finally be the day I shower?

Me: Aw they only have cheese sandwiches left and I can't have those. Him: Oh is that...*leans in* because you're... *whispers* Muslim? Me: No it's... *leans in* because I *whispers* will shit myself

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

my therapist was like "it seems like you push away people who try to help you" and it's like, okay, first of all, you're fired

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

All I'm saying is, if I were my neighbours, I'd check into a hotel for the foreseeable future until I eventually get over We Don't Talk About Bruno.

@MaazinH10 Peanut butter wears many hats and one of those hats is in sandwiches!

Ordered a Mexican shawarma and accidentally got an Asian one that had PEANUT BUTTER IN IT???? What the fuck?? Every day we stray further from God

I just don’t understand why anyone would make/eat any dessert that doesn’t have chocolate in it

@_lurking2 Amen sista!

@theawkwardful ♾

How many slices of cake does it take to turn an awful day around?

@RobLoki You damn right!

@theawkwardful All the slices.

Love that my voice didn’t get the memo that I am now an adult.

My wife just pronounced Pokémon like “pokey man” and that was more dad than anything I’ve ever done.

If my husband won’t smell my armpits to lemme know if I need deodorant, then why in the fuck did I get married?