Bacon With Lettuce

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.” -women wearing uggs

I was VERY surprised the Bills fired their Head Coach after a playoff loss. Wade Phillips

@DianteLeeFB Good luck man

Game day is finally here. Opening up the season with a rival, so everyone’s energy should be right where it’s supposed to be. Turned over new starters at 9 of our 11 spots on defense. There’s a lot of first time experience to be had this year, new opportunities in front of us.

@HighlyIngenious I can’t stand conflict so replaying is unavoidable for me

I hate my brain. Now I’m replaying the situation over & over. What could’ve been said/done differently? Should I have spoken to her as if she were 2? That’d have made her mad too. I need to get past this so I can enjoy my long day.

Another morning of panic after an evening of eating beets.

@usasmitty So sorry 💔

My friend of 39 years passed away this Wednesday. Pulmonary embolism. Picture circa 1986 RIP Dear Friend. xo I haven't even begun to process it.

[I'm happy we're getting fried chicken] “Let's get chicken-faced!”

Threatening my husband with tariffs every time he tells me I look pretty

When they sift through our post apocalyptic remains, they’ll find our safes filled with eggs and toilet paper.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

next stop, mississippi pot roast

My little nugget turned 9 yesterday. Where does the time go?

There aren’t many rules around my house, but there’s a certain order to the mug cabinet… Failure to comply could result in injury, probably not death, but definitely injury.

All I know about algorithms is they seem to make people kinda angry

@MykeLeTauris ❤️

3wks post op and still can’t bathe. I’m told I’m a slow healer. That’s okay, keeps the people away.

My ex-wife thinks I've become a much nicer and more reasonable person in the years since we got divorced. The truth is I solely use ChatGPT to communicate with her. It's the AI that's nice. I'm still an idiot.

Do dog’s paws smell like Fritos, or is it the other way around?

i hate you platonically

but babe being fucking delusional is sorta my thing

(while being chased by a police dog) awww what’s his name

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...