Gross Ray

There is no need to announce your social media hiatus. You can simply disappear into a national park forever.

@butt_cousin It's because I left and all the joyous conversations about making sausage out of mice/infants went with me. Sorry about that. I have sent you a bucket of mice in recompense (and several pounds of cheese).

butt cousin turns 3 today i was thinking itd be a good day to go back to tweeting but jesus... vibes are atrocious maybe next year

A pleasant detective solves crimes efficiently and does not drink. His family is not murdered by villains. Oh, how we hate him.

It's a new month have you guys picked the name of a celebrity out of a hat to worship yet.

Internal validation is all well and good but it's terribly tricky to keep the electronic scanner working in such a moist environment.

you want me to “get that bread”? the thing that got Jean Valjean imprisoned?

There’s this pond in my town and people just come out of it

@manofletterz I'm not getting tricked into reading for free again. That's a subscription-only service in these times.

Good morning to those of you that know how to read only

Dress for the job you want: shrouds flatter all figures.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend? Perhaps. But for sure, the friend of my friend is my enemy because that's MY friend, ok Carol? Mine.

Dick a bag of eats for a nice change of pace

Stop voting or I’ll give you something to vote about

My husband has a signature knock, which consists of one unrepeated knock. It is the most passive aggressive thing I've ever seen. I am breathless with admiration.

Cure your crippling social media addiction by purchasing an expensive neck pillow that prevents you from wearing your reading glasses while scrolling. (It will do nothing for your crippling neck pain.)

A rabbit and a hare aren’t the same, but the person I was talking to already knew that, and I am BEREFT.

When I say I wish you well, what I mean is that I wish you were in a well.

Folks are always finding Jesus, but what they were looking for was like a pencil or a measuring cup. Christianity is just a side quest.

@RayGarton Spoiler alert: My name is not Ray at all. But I am gross, though.

What I really like is when my ADHD animates everyday household objects so that they assault me. I am covered in bruises caused by angry doorknobs.

As a scientist you felt bad for labeling the colloidal solution "clarity" but as a former child with an imaginary brewmaster of an ironic liquid too late life lessons for those who tease those who say colloidal empire it just clicked

@whore_addicted I take umbrage at that sir, if anything I am times new roman

@theheywhoha If you are a font, you are comic sans 😉

If I had a pocket full of bees, I would (a) always have friends to talk to, and (b) always have a weapon against my enemies. You thought I was going to make an apian pun using the letters of the alphabet, but I have once again confounded your expectations.