K Halcrow (I'm in disguise)

@BandQ @BandQ the list of issues is so long an email would probably be better. Surprised the response was so quick, our experience from the building and q store had nothing so proactive.

"Gf just bought and had kitchen installed by @BandQ ZERO STARS DO NOT RECOMEND! poor workmanship, no accountability "dont blame us is our suppliers/contractors fault" "oh, you wants working appliances? Well, you need to rearrange your days off to fit our schedule"

"All you need to do is take 1 day off for delivery and we will handle the rest" my arse! Any other company sells you something for 10k and they appreciate you as a customer, @BandQ get your money and expect you to bend over backwards to accommodate them!

"what, you expect the flooring to be done properly? Oh, thats our subcontractors fault" after paying 10 grand, having to take 10 days of holidays to accommodate deliveries THAT NEVER TURNED UP! Given £300 to hire our own contractors and £300 for our trouble.

@fesshole Took a picture of myself at my desk, used it as my background, and wandered around the building, trying to see how many other attendees cameras I could appear on before anyone noticed. Goes to show how much I normally contribute to meetings and how few people pay attention to me

Noticed in remote Teams meetings that a lot of colleagues use custom backgrounds in their camera feeds instead of showing their real house behind them. So I've started using a background photo of my actual home office that's actually behind me.

@CarolineGourlay @SoVeryBritish Yup, had that with an all day breakfast onky available before half past 11. Turns out it's available all day, as long as they have any left overseas from the morning

@SoVeryBritish Visited a country house recently and popped into the restaurant for lunch. The menu offered 'all day breakfast', served 10 til 12. Words were exchanged.

A conversation I had with a waiter recently, about a cooked breakfast. “Excuse me, I’m sorry, I’ve just noticed my fried egg is missing” “Okay, so you’d like an extra egg?” “Yes, please. Well, actually, no, not an extra egg, just the missing egg” “Okay, so just one egg? Or two eggs?” “Just one egg… the missing egg” “It’s okay, we can do you an extra egg, no problem” Through gritted teeth: “Thank you” and then under my breath once they’d gone: “but it’s not an extra egg, it’s THE egg”

@anon_opin The phrase I dont like is "won a penalty" as if you have somehow achieved something remarkable. Perhaps they should change the name to something like "won an oscar" to reflect what really happened. Or "chickened out of taking a shot because someone was too close"

Never liked football. Used to pretend as a kid to fit in, but not really watched it in 20 years. Anyway, I've just noticed the sudden use of the word "brace" when a player has scored 2 goals. Just fuck off with your silly terminology, football fans. You're all insufferable morons

@bushontheradio Dignitas express?

What would be a good name for a rollercoaster specifically designed for Old People?

@thehandofbeadle Was queuing up in a local shop to buy my lunch. The old lady in front of me said, "You go before me, I've got plenty of time". I honestly don't think she did! Her 11s were up, not a good sign. I nearly warned her not to buy green bananas just in case!

@dodgson_sally Mine usually last about 15 mins. Sit back, watch the pretty colours and wait it out. That's my usual tactic 🙈

Ffs, gone kaleidoscope partially blind again. Anyone know how to get rid of Aura Migraines?? Literally 😵‍💫

@Poppy_yyyyyyyy Put it on marketplace as buyer to dismantle. When they come to take it away and asl where it is, tell them they took it away as per the original agreement once it was no longer required

Does anyone know of any enchantments that can be used to get scaffolders to take scaffolding down?

Using AI to rewrite part of my presentation in the style of Kafka and add a couple of jokes (just for shits and giggles) this is what it added at the end.....

@briggityboppity Is he a man or a muppet? (Or a manly muppet)

@adeleparks Yes

@Sarah_Haar_ Hope. you didnt point out that pineapples don't grow on trees either 🙈

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

@ATRightMovies Ice cold in alex A town called Alice Clerks

What is your favourite black and white movie?

@anon_opin We have 1 person in our organisation who f@cks up her monthly expenses so spectacularly and creatively, yet differently, every single month, I can't work out if she is a genius or an idiot. I locked every non input cell of the form, so she printed and posted it! Was still wrong!

Middle manager here. The reason why we have meetings that 'could have been an email' is that whenever I send such an email, you useless twats are incapable of reading and understanding clear instructions and ask to have a meeting about it anyway.

@timoldland @michael___wave Getting my lunch at a shop in my lunch hour. Old lady before me said, "You go ahead of me, I've got plenty of time" didnt have the heart to tell her I didn't think she did. Her 11s were up. Not a good sign.

@michael___wave And also, why do the elderly ALWAYS go at lunchtime. When they have all day, nothing else to do, and they go in the tiny window when working people have a break to eat and do all their life admin shit.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

@gingy3848 @Em_E_Dee Knitted jumper in local dialect

Wore a black turtleneck jumper to work and so far have -been asked where my box of milk tray is -asked when the next jazz band are on -asked if I’m planning to steal the moon -had the Mission Impossible theme tune whistled at me. Twice. -been called Steve Jobs #officelife