Joe Griephan

@liamgallagher Can you do a cover of Nick Cave's Canniball's Hymn please so that I can die happy. Thanks. NB, I'm not dying, so no rush

@byMorganWright See also: "excuse me?"

Since my best friend is from the UK, I can state with 100% certainty that this is entirely accurate😂…

@DonaldJTrumpJr You could've maybe got them all in the same room?

You know what’s getting really old? Having to have conversations with my 5 young children about radical leftist trying to kill their grandfather. No person should ever have to do this in America or anywhere else and yet I had to have that conversation five times again yesterday.

@profanityswan @neilgibbons X

@Jackster83 What. If it's an office thing, then ok, but it's the best thing ever.

Leftover last night's curry for lunch should be outlawed

@stuey_p @lawchristie @fesshole @MrChuckD Just remembered that I gently insulted Michael Winner over ten years ago and he replied saying it was actually quite funny. Then he died.

@Treeacle @lawchristie @fesshole @MrChuckD Steve Davis replied to me once.

Just had a famous actor follow me on here on the back of one tweet. I now have a few celebrities follow me, and quite frankly, it's bloody stressful. I hate the thought of them unfollowing one day so I constantly have to try to be funny. I'M THE VICTIM OF MY OWN SUCCESS.

@lawchristie @fesshole @MrChuckD Haha. Kelly Deal from the Breeders followed me for about a week and then unfollowed, I have no idea how that happened, I barely post.

@fesshole @MrChuckD follows me and once he liked one of my tweets. Thats pressure mate.

@WestStandTone You and Esso have amazing birthdays. The North Bank was incredible that day, still not sure where I ended up. Happy Birthday.

This was my 30th Birthday Party and it went on all night. We went straight to the parade from the party and then everyone collapsed in a heap shortly after.

@brokenbottleboy Kirk Brandon on the Tube: "We are Spear of Destiny, and we're NOT from Neasdon".

What’s the strangest/most banal film quote that has stuck in your head forever? I often have the line from Quadrophenia when Jimmy gets home late lodges in my brain: “Fell asleep on the train. I wound up in bloody Neasden.”

@melaniesayshi @StokeyUpdates @clissoldpeople Happened to me last year. Apparently superglue is effective.

Parked my beloved bike by a busy playground in Clissold Park @clissoldpeople this afternoon and 3hrs later no handlebars! Quoted 1/3rd of bike’s original cost just to replace. Gutted in so many ways. Any best recs on locking handlebars??

Hangin' on the Telephone by Blondie: It's taken me nearly 40 years to realise it's about scoring drugs

@WestStandTone Are you referencing the Jeremy Beadle joke?

Friday night football can set you up for a great weekend. On the other hand…

@WestStandTone It kind of reminds me of the run in to the '89 season, if that's any consolation. Lost 2-1 against Derby, 2-2 against Wimbledon. I still believe.

I think I have PTSD from last season. It’s in our hands. It’s still in our hands. Calm down, it’s still in our hands. Where are our hands!?

We still have the ability to get three bad results in a row, but we’ve turned them into draws instead of losses. It’s progress, I guess, but it’s been really painful the last couple of weeks.

@WestStandTone Hah, nice. Makes me one too then.

I’m Islington born & bred yet it is only today that I discovered that Whittington Stone is built where Dick W allegedly heard Bow Bells, which made him turn back to The City. My kids are both Cockneys, when I used to tell them I was the only real one in the family.

If you see this tweet, quote tweet it with the most recent photo you took of your pet. No cheating.

@CalumR91 @LTDAForum Ok, followed for your imaginative and strangely gentle insults.

@CalumR91 @hackneycouncil Heh, thought you were serious for a moment there... whoever's been posting videos about it being dead must have been out at 6am.

I know I need to weed, and it's not as if she doesn't get fed, but

@fulham_fallout Hah, yes! Was the local of old schoolmates who lived on the New Orleans estate, went to a few Sunday afternoon lock-ins there. Rum bunch.

@herealexhere Ooh, nice. Saw the Telescopes a few times, thought it was unfortunate that they embraced the "baggy" scene, they were great before that.