A.L. Likely

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

Yes, I’m the problem. But in my defense… I’m hilarious.

Somebody announced to me that he will only eat peanuts fron now and on, and he meant it literally, and I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't a parrot

I don't dance to seduce, I dance to scare people away

Have you tried eating yogurt with a fork? I have (Me flirting)

Chocolate doesn't ask me stupid questions.

Yay! I just found the cutest shoes to go with my Molotov cocktail dress!

Me: In the still of the niiiight, IIII held you, held you tiiiight! Him: baby, my ears hurt and I can’t breathe

Most of my shoulder workout comes from shrugging when people ask me questions.

The color purple’s name is “Jerry.” I just know.

Rare are those who behold the beauty of a steady flame when fireworks are clearly visible.

Somedays you just have to lie outside in the rain...

Somedays will always belong to the rejects...

I don’t want revenge. I just want every one of my exes to eventually realize they let a good one go.

A new anti social network where we create accounts and say nothing.

Come home to me when you're tired of pretending you are fine...!!!

My email spam folder has a more ambitious vision for my future than I do.

I feel like if I just say “fuck. fuck. fuck” enough that my life will change entirely.

I would give anything for one more second in your warmth

I still have a landline. My house is a museum.

a witty mind is fucking intoxicating