Steve Birks

Learnt an important life lesson today. Never try & eat Wotsits when they're well over a year out of date.

My last name is very similar to weather and I own the .com domain. During the 90s I used to receive a lot of weather forecast requests to the catchall address, mainly in Portuguese. Replied 'It's gonna be hot, damn hot' to every one. Apologies if you left your umbrella at home

@BBCBreaking Shaft?

WHO says five hantavirus cases now confirmed from cruise ship, and more may follow due to six-week incubation period - follow live bbc.in/4f8gbIJ

World Health Organization gives update on hantavirus cruise ship outbreak - follow live bbc.in/4tX3pBx

@BBCBreaking I hope everyone has a lovely time on this visit. 👍

King Charles and Queen Camilla arrive in US for start of four-day state visit - watch and follow live bbc.in/4cMJZIa

@fesshole I’m the same with penicillin, can’t resist the taste!

I have a very rare allergy to chocolate. Does that stop me from eating it? Don't be stupid, of course it doesn't.

@BBCMOTD Even their away games?

A big landmark for Chelsea women 🏟️

Last two barbershops I went to, they were flaunting their cleavage right in my face while cutting my hair. Felt put upon. Like they were pandering for tips or trying to distract from their lack of skill. I cut my own hair now.

@dank_ackroyd Which one makes the rice?

Having a shocker today - just got Tony Benn confused with Nigel

@91065Mission Great models

A model replica of Mavic Chen's Spar from the Daleks' Master Plan, made by Derek Handley...

@fesshole So you haven’t listened to the 7th episode, “Knowing Knowing Me Knowing You”? A spoof behind the scenes look at the making of an episode of the chat show.

I can recite every ruddy word of the original BBC Radio 4 series of Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Partridge. All six episodes, 18 interviews in total. This is a useless ability, so I hope that it will at least generate Partridge memes and gifs in the replies.

As a medical student I never passed my psychiatry block which is necessary to be able to sit finals. Got signed off due to an admin error. I've been an NHS consultant for over 20 years. Technically I'm not qualified to be a doctor.

@DWUDatabase Voted yes

This is for testing purposes only. Can you please vote and then let me know in the comments how you voted. Please only vote if you comment as well!

@Criminalsimpson I think they liked them!

@DaftLimmy Thank you for your service 🫡

I AM that pilot.

Some are saying that pilot story isn't true. But I can tell you today that the story is true. For, you see...

@almurray Worked for Marty Supreme!

Ping pong our way out of this

@simpsons_DG Pepsi?

Lol! Does anyone know what this is??

@fesshole It’s like a modern day Pride & Prejudice!

My beautiful daughters both got dumped by their boyfriends in the space of a couple of weeks so I chucked them both out of my Fantasy Football Mini League. Petty yes, but it felt good, the immature little pricks.

@Criminalsimpson Pepsi?

gun to your head, name an element of the periodic table

@RealTimVine Meningitis, down 5 to 29, not ‘alf!

BBC Headline: ‘Cases of Meningitis down to 29 from 34’. I don’t understand. It can’t mean 5 people got better because they would still have been cases, so were 5 cases misdiagnosed? If it’s the latter then it’s not gone down from 34. It never got to 34! Am I being thick?

The following neighbourhood residents will NOT be killed by me...