Raw Motherhood

I told a little girl who was hanging upside down at the park that she was like a monkey, and she deadface looked at me and said, "No, like a vampire bat." I think I just met my new bestie.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Husband: You're so good at annoying me. Me: So, you're saying I'm good?

I feel like the worst adult when I get out of the shower, see my raccoon eyes in the mirror, and THEN use my makeup remover.

Me: We are leaving in an hour Teens: Okay *58 mins later* Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Even though I got my wife gifts and took her on a nice dinner for our anniversary, she always has to complain. “Why would you wrap my presents with left-over Christmas wrap?”, “Aren’t these flowers from our garden?”, “You seriously made reservations at Hooters?”

I like to assert my dominance by periodically using my husband's favorite coffee mug.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

Has anyone in the history of Chinese takeaways ever eaten all the rice ordered.

If Spirit Halloween and Dollar General teamed up, it would be an unstoppable force.

Me on my first day of work in a middle school:

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

My girls don’t start school til after Labor Day so that makes this a 487 month summer.

🎶Welcome to the jungle…🎶 We’ve met, thanks

First graders are so dramatic—my 6yo told me he and his best friend broke up at school today, and when I asked why, he just stared out the window and said "he broke my heart"

Taco meat doesn’t have animal in it…does it!? ~7, making what appears to be a horrific discovery

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere - my 5yo, unprompted

Me: hey kid what are you doing over there? 2yo: not being a stinker Me: is that soooOOOOOOOOHH MY GOD WHO LEFT THE MARKERS OUT

Toddlers be like, "hey yo, it's 4am, lets get up and eat a sammich".

I love how every dog now is a service dog. I’m going to get a vest that says POTUS cause obviously the vest makes things true.

Was helping my 6yo practice Math before the school year starts and she told me that there were times in class she didn’t pay attention and may have missed some information. She then asked if there was a way, like with Alexa, to set a “Pay attention” notification.