Mike Myers

I had a sale cancel today because the couple was getting divorced. My boss asked me to save it. I can happily report that they are now back together. ABC baby

@HMSReepicheep It’s not designed for dangerous environments, it is the dangerous environment

"It's designed for dangerous environments, specifically in terms of making them even more dangerous," continued the Satyress spokesman. "Not just physically, but spiritually."

@marknorm The South will fly again!

@millerlitekirk You forgot Ethnicity: Not Latino

Watching my application disintegrate into the abyss as soon as I check: Race: White Not a veteran No, I do not have a disability

@__el__toro__ @EricVallieres84 Explosive hydroforming, if you got the guts

@EricVallieres84 That deep with the sides though?

Sheet metal boys, how you making this?

@SMB_Attorney @ThinkAppraiser Totally appropriate reaction, probably can skip the hospital too at that point

The full story here is NUTS 🤯 TLDR dude hikes 6.5 hours to avoid a helicopter medical bill impaled while his friends make kebab jokes… > 32yo ER nurse named David is day-hiking Montana’s tallest mountain with his boys
 > He slips on a rock near the top and full-on impales himself on his own trekking pole that goes clean through his lat with like 8 inches sticking out both sides 
> nurse brain kicks in immediately, checks himself, realizes nothing vital got hit and he can still breathe fine
says screw the helicopter bill and just starts hiking the entire 10 miles back down with the pole still stuck in him
 > takes SIX AND A HALF hours, friends are spotting him the whole way, one even runs ahead to warn families so kids don’t see this gnarly shit
 > about 4 miles from the car they realize they’re actually gonna make it… and start cracking kebab jokes 😂
 > dude never complained once, stayed in weirdly high spirits the whole time
 > walks himself all the way to the trailhead, gets the pole pulled out later at the hospital, and already says he’s going back next year to finish the summit

@FreedomMemesIRL I literally saw my exes German Shepard poop out a full chicken wing, but the meat was replaced with poop. It was awesome. That being said, vet

Need advice! My border collie ate 3 chicken wings. What should I do? She’s acting fine. Take her to a vet or wait it out?

@alargemike Fumbled in his own end zone

This loan sales guy found my highschool football tape on Youtube and thought talking shit would get me to refinance my house. Honestly respect.

@Xaraphim The new applejack

complete tangent , but will implants that provide access to inside the body ever actually be a thing at scale ? i don’t mean one off special operations post op infections would probably be insane considering it’s an open wound

@DrewVento You got that devil in you

White people don’t have culture? Oh yeah explain deviled eggs then

@jamesonhaslam Would

it’s hard to make a material purchase that significantly improves your quality of life and meaningfully raises your overall happiness hard, but not impossible

@MurrayHillGuy1 I’m sorry to hear about all of your stress. Let’s go ahead and take one more thing off your plate by finalizing this deal. We both know you’ll feel more relieved when it’s complete

@Fascinate_Hist I’ve done it, scared the crap out of me

Not all of Switzerland is neutral.🇨🇭

@jamesonhaslam Blast cancels blast

if you get a baja blast it kills the diarrhea lettuce

@MyNameIsntEffy Best I can do is 16" and thin

@girdley You trying to Netflix and chilis? You dawg

gm frens are you ready for some chili's jokes? let's run it back like it's still 2022.

@rjchoppy Jacked Prescott!?

Dak "The Rock" Prescott

@DrewVento Yet the horse would have no name 🤔

If I completed a trek through the desert via horseback I would have given it a name

@chasedownleads #highspeedchase

Guess who owns the urgent care in Yellowstone national park

@greg16676935420 Wake up babe! Not one, but TWO new mechanical bulls just dropped

This is why I pay for the internet

@marknorm Talk about burning the candle at both ends 👀

Big wick energy