Omniscient Orb of Antlers

I miss a dead mall with a regally tiled wishing well in her center like a still heart gone dry but serene in her penny plated armor of echoed promise

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Calm down shouty man, this isn't the first time my toddler has lit a cigarette for me.

A baby named Cliff just stole my Raybans.

"Every man skate or dies but not every man really skate or lives"

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don't like a cluttered counter

Something familiar about that laughter and not in a feel-good way

Santa’s erratic online behavior defended by “weird cult” of eight year olds who really just want a new bike.

Santa announces Elves must commit to “extremely hardcore” toy making by 5pm tomorrow or be removed from workshop, drowned under polar ice cap.

To honor my father, I want my last words on Twitter to be the same as his last words in real life: “Oh yeah, Dalai Lama? I don’t think you’ve got the guts.”

She'd rather putter around the kitchen muttering to herself than go to therapy

Formed a committee, you’re on it

No he isn't destroying it on purpose. Nobody sets 44 billion on fire. It's pure incompetence and hubris.

Don’t forget to return any unused drafts for a refund (where applicable).

When you're a goofy looking guy and some super hot girl starts coming on to you but she also has bat wings, well, you just know something's up.

Rolled my eyes back so far, I saw who shot Kennedy

Had to show my ID to buy this.

the monkey mind is hungry today.

@offbeatoliv that was revealed in the sequel Snakes Defecating on a Plane

where did the snakes on that plane defecate?