Devon Eriksen@Devon_Eriksen_
Meet @simonmaechling.
Simon has a PhD in organic chemistry.
He is very proud of his PhD in organic chemistry. He can't wait to tell you about it, it's in his twitter bio.
Simon identifies as a scientist.
In fact, he identifies as all scientists, ever, since the beginning of history, and his pronouns are we/us/ours. He uses these pronouns as he informs us that, by writing and defending a thesis, he has inherited credit for every engineering and technological advance in human history.
He fed billions of people because he is Norman Borlaug. He saved millions of cancer patients because he is both Francis Crick and James Watson simultaneously. He powered nations because he is inhabited by the very soul of Enrico Fermi.
If humanity conquers the stars, he will retroactively become Werner Von Braun and Elon Musk, as well.
Please clap.
Unfortunately, there has been one small oversight.
Simon doesn't actually know what science is.
Perhaps universities in France don't require coursework in the history or philosophy of science, to attain a PhD degree. Or perhaps he was sick that day. But whatever the reason, his hat or his shoes, Simon doesn't understand that science is an algorithm.
Not a person.
Not an institution.
Not a body of knowledge, or a set of data.
An algorithm.
It is a simple, stepwise procedure. It is the act of examining the universe to see what is there.
It is not the act of examining one's baguette to see which side it is buttered on.
Which is precisely why a lot of institutions, who prominently, proudly, and fraudulently use the word "science" in their names, have lost the public trust that Simon feels entitled to.
They took money.
They sold their judgement and modified their results.
They took money from Proctor and Gamble, and they told us that beef, butter, and eggs are bad for us, and we should eat crystalized cottonseed oil instead.
They took money from Coca-Cola, Kraft-Heinz, and Unilever, and told us a calorie is a calorie is a calorie, and that the worldwide obesity epidemic is your fault because you somehow magically were born lazier and greedier than previous generations.
They took money from a cabal of grifters in the federal bureaucracy, and told us the planet has a fever, and we all need to pay more taxes so they can give it to their grifter friends.
They told us that if we didn't use our entire population as guinea pigs for an untested medical technology, we were personally killing grandma.
These people expect to share in the respect we have for Newton and Einstein, for Watt and Tesla, for Fleming, for Turning and Von Neumann.
But they are not any of these. They are Pravda. They are Squealer. They are Baghdad Bob.
They are not scientists.
They are whores.
No, wait a minute... upon reflection, I wish to apologize to the world's whores for that last sentence. A whore is infinitely better than a fake scientist, because, however degrading her profession, however much it scars her mind and soul, a whore only takes money from those who freely give it, and delivers something they value in return.
I've never had a whore try to poison or rob me.
