boo-boo-ɾɑҍҍíԵ

Teacher: Can you use the word 'hotelier' in a sentence. Kid: The Marriott is more hotelier than an AirBnB. Teacher:

@ArcoNovellan And on the third day, at approximately 6:42, God created tofus.

@StrangerTings5 Gods were always plual there was always more than one.

Remind me. On what day did God create tofu?

I've already been ambiguous, and it's not even noon.

A koala tried to convince me it was a bear. No way. Didn't have the koalafications.

@FBerawn 😆

@StrangerTings5 His heart sank when they did. God: Look at all the tasty food Us: Try this chewy nothingness

In the words of Mark Twain's daughter: "That don't impress me much"

Doctor: Have you been drinking enough fluids lately? Me: That's literally all I drink.

No. Sorry. Can't. I'm doing something less meh with someone who's less douchy. Or I would be. If I was doing something.

Pretty wary of the fish market that just opened up in my neighborhood considering it was an aquarium last week.

Why are Monday's so far from Friday's, and Friday's so close to Monday's?....kinda fucked up

You can say I'm immature, but it won't stop your face looking like boogers.

Husband: Did you hear what I said? Me: That's nice.

If the conversation involves sarcasm and twisted humour, I'm in.

You can’t judge me by my Tweets, this isn’t even my real handwriting.

My fave Chuck Norris joke: Chuck doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.

Some of you never had to program a VCR and it shows.

It’s all fun and games until consequences come a-knockin’.

A womans sigh can speak a 1000 words

Seeing as people rub me the wrong way over silly little things on a daily basis, it would be insane to get upset when someone doesn't like me

I sometimes don't like sharing certain music with people because it means so much to me and I get offended or hold it against them if they don't love it

You know you've found the best lucky penny when you pick it up and discover it's really a nickel.