Upside Dad

I bought some frozen corn at the store and the nice old lady at the checkout told me all about her family’s cream corn recipe and how I had to try it and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I just had a vasectomy and the corn was going on my balls.

Every marriage has one person who wants to arrive at the airport 2 hours early & the other wants to arrive when they’re closing the gate.

Me (in a meeting): …no stigma… My tween, from across the street: DID YOU JUST SAY NO SIGMA

Unmuting myself at the end of a meeting just to say "nothing on my end"

I’ll take early retirement for $500, Alex.

my gawd we still have 2 more working days left.

I already tripped over my own feet twice this morning and it’s not even 8am

Can’t be held responsible for the things I say or do when I’m hungry.

"reply to all" was the worst invention to come with email.

Okay who put this water in my wine glass, reveal yourselves reverse Jesus.

My kid has been telling me about his video game for so long, I think it officially counts as a podcast

my favorite hobby is going to the grocery store starving and doing my best not to buy everything I see.

saying “who is it?” when the doctor knocks on the exam room door

My Uber driver didn’t try to talk to me the entire ride. Five stars.

A new house isn’t truly a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Everything went downhill when we stopped loading planes from the back to the front.

I asked my 16 yo if he ate lunch earlier today. He said "yeah I had a big cinnamon roll". So single parenting is going well.

I got 10 out of 10 for effort at the hygenist earlier. Having chocolate non-stop to celebrate.

Me: I’m terrified of cheese. Therapist: K, so? Me: *screams*

My husband thinks I’m afraid to drive anywhere but it’s the lack of parking I’m really afraid of.

Man these are nice scissors -me, about to get in trouble for opening a pack of bacon with my wife’s scissors.