Patrick W Ndungu

Zacchaeus after being told to return tax to the poor

@kenyasgossips Waiting for mara ya fifteen 🙏😂 because here we have a very understanding husband

Marriage is not for the faint hearted.

@NeduMedic @GloriousGod01 Considering cigarettes were once recommended and concluded to not be harmful, question everything.

@GloriousGod01 No I don't . Have you done any research or study about masturbation. I've participated in 3. Studying about link between masturbation and poor semen/sperm and immature ejaculation. How did you arrive at your conclusions?

1. Once you start masturbating, it will take the grace of God for you to stop completely, because it is deeply spiritual. Study about incubus and succubus. 2. Once you get addicted, your sperm will always become watery. 3. Too much masturbation will turn you from a 30-minute man into a 2-minute man. 4. It affects your brain through entropy and you will start losing focus. 5. Masturbation destroys your productivity. You can be working, yet your mind keeps urging you to rush to the toilet and use the soap. 6. Masturbation will kill your natural urge for women. The nakedness of a woman will hardly move you anymore. 7. Masturbation drains you completely. If you have never masturbated before, do not start. If you are masturbating right now, begin making conscious efforts to stop and pray. Avoid isolated places too. This is not theoretical advice. Above all, love God.

@GloriousGod01 @NeduMedic Veryyyy good question 😭😂😂

@NeduMedic Do you masturbate?

@JCarhire @kimyamiyaki Will learning and improving remedy the inconveniences you caused him?

Hi @kimyamiyaki. We’re truly sorry for your experience. We take this one on us. It was still a pleasure doing business with you, and we appreciate you. We’re always learning and improving to serve better. Asante.

@omambia029 Ndio tufanyiwe Ile kitu kasongo anatufanyia

Tufike hapa tuchukue magari guys 🔥

@amerix @DCI_Kenya Now makes me appreciate my Alma matter @KaratinaUniv . Security was situated everywhere. No one could even look at you badly leave alone fighting.

Hello @DCI_Kenya MMUST lecture halls are now a theatre of violence. No respect for the lecturer, No respect for the values of education, No respect for the sacred body of academia. This is wrong.

@TansuYegen Tansu Yegen used to be a serious account 💔

Wow! Mirror Paint…

@_fels1 Arsenal have atleast a shot on target. But yeah, they are the problem.

The entire Arsenal team is in defence, just waiting for corners and free kicks. This kind of 17th century football is why this team is hated.

@SamueILFC Those who played football are not in the final, of a football match 😭😭

Apart from 1 chance in the 7th minute, it’s just one team parking the bus and waiting for a corner goal while the other team passing it around trying to break the bus. Football is finished. 🕊️

@JLetangule @oita_etyang @Fromagehomme But we are seen more of states evolving to become more of Welfare States, more of citizen centered.

1. Monopoly over the legitimate use of the coercive instruments of force. 2. Exercise of political authority over a given subject population. @oita_etyang @Fromagehomme

@EricNjiiru @YaneKariuki This tweet was generational

@YaneKariuki Si upost ile TV yako sasa

Ajaribu kuchezesha hivo vitoto vyake visenge atajua mimi ni nani mbwa yeye

@georgediano We Mzee 😂😂😂😭

I used to have this cousin who identified herself as a medic. She would even prescribe medication for Mama Assembly back in Sikhendu for her diabetes and blood pressure. My mother used to request me to send her money monthly for the medication. I used to complain, wondering why the medicines were so expensive, yet at the pharmacy it retailed at almost half the price. But the daughter of Agrippina insisted that the ones at the pharmacy were generic. One day after having issues with Mama Liam & being denied the food that faces the earth for like a month, I decided to sort myself out. I still don’t know what spirit possessed me that evening. One minute I was a responsible citizen, the next minute I was walking like a undercover inspector of night economy services. I visited one of the famous brothels along Moi Avenue called Lazarus. At Lazarus, there are many rooms named after mountains and countries. You just open a door and look inside to see if the lady is your type. If you're not satisfied, you go to the next room, and so forth. So there I was, trying to look serious and mysterious, as if I was about to conduct an audit instead of committing small small sins. I reached the location, cleared my throat like a man about to negotiate a government tender, and knocked. The door opened & My heart stopped. Because standing there, in full HD clarity, was my cousin the quack doctor with a Dust coat. We both froze like buffering YouTube on 2G. She blinked, I blinked. Even the mosquito in the room paused mid-air to witness history. Before I could even manufacture a lie, she quickly adjusted her bag and said, “Eeeish Diano… you’re here early.” Early? Madam, what meeting is this where I’m arriving early? I stammered like a broken sayona woofer, “Muhonja,, what are you doing here?” She looked left, right, then whispered like a government whistleblower, “Relax,, I’m here for work.” Nyasaye,,, Work? My brain refused to process. Then she opened the bag slightly,,, and my friend, it was full of government-branded condoms. Not two, not ten,, cartons. KEMSA logos shining like they were sponsored by embarrassment itself. “I’m distributing supplies,” she said confidently like a logistics manager in a crisis. At that moment, the actual lady I had come to see appeared behind her and said, “Madam, are you done with stock-taking? My customers are waiting.” Customers? PLURAL?? I suddenly felt like I needed an appointment letter and a national ID. My cousin turned to me again and said, “Anyway, since you’re here omwami,, support the program.” Support the program?? I almost fainted. We both stood there in silence, two people united by bad decisions and worse timing. No one could even threaten the other because we were both equally finished. The doctor who has been prescribing medicine for mama Assembly is actually a Condom supply for KEMSA. I slowly reversed like a car without side mirrors and said, “You know what Muhonja… let me come back during office hours.” To this day, I’ve been sending her money for Mama Assembly’s medication on time without complaining, even when she insists that prices have skyrocketed. Nowadays, family gatherings are very peaceful because we both know that if one talks, the other will produce evidence. That was the last time I opted for outside catering as far as the food that faces the earth is concerned. Heri ni Nyonge!!

@CFCMods Put stone

Declan Rice’s biggest achievement was being compared to Moises Caicedo.

@keskanana This is a very important phase of life. 😂😭😭 Mimi ata ubeshte ziliisha juu I couldn't juggle. Luckily nikimaliza internship nilipewa a lump-sum that I had never touched.

8-5 internship the first month nilikuwa nalala kwa mat almost nianguke Kwa njia, I had nightmares hadi naskia masauti za hiyo stapler kwa ndoto

@sftbl187 He still has a chance to delete but naaah man 🤣🤣😂😭

He never should have done that tweet

@ManCity Scenes on Sunday

81. Gyokeres scores. 🟢 4-1 🩵 #ManCity | #UCL

@Amaddiallo_19 @cagiago_ Your only hope is a penalty. Calm down

@cagiago_ Your only hope is corner🤣 Be humble KID 🤫

Enjoy KID 😉

@masterkiarie @mbiti_mwondi Hahaha 🤣😂🤣 you are the bom Bana. How are people missing the joke?

@mbiti_mwondi Buana wacha hii maneno Equity has grown because of Session paper 6 of 1968 that gave kikuyus advantage than other communities in Kenya 🙃🤪. If other communities had that advantage we would be having a bigger bank called Lake fish Bank plc.

I have had this conversation with several people especially those in banking and finance that Equity bank’s business model is very different from the others. I worked there for 5 years and I understand how and why James Mwangi moves the way he moves; unlike other CEOs he actually single handedly built Equity to what it is the likes of Oigara,Awori and Oduor are just CEOs that came in as executives in already established and government backed banks but James built it from a Murang’a chamaa to a world powerhouse. And he always told us if you think the salary is low move to those big banks. Same way people complain of Bezos exploiting Amazon employees but he’s been paying them like that for 30 years and the business keeps growing why should he change? Enda fungua bank yako he’d always say,a shrewd business man in my book the best that ever came out of Kenya, no one comes close to James in my opinion.

Your capacity for growth is directly linked to the level of truth you can face about yourself without running away.

I genuinely feel bad for lazy people because it literally only takes 45 days of obsession to change your entire year.