Smarty Panties ✌🏻

I am 5'3" of the cutest pure concentrated evil

New rule. I'm just the messenger.

@Bob_Janke So, song lyrics by Nickelback?

Switching to gross sexual tweets starting... NOW

I try to be nice, but people ruin it.

The more people complain to me that it’s called “X” now, the more I’ll tweet that it’ll always be Twitter.

@_SmartyPanties_ Need any help? 🤪😘

A Honda CR-V just pulled in behind me still rocking door antlers and a red nose on the grill. Legally I can slash his tires, right?

2026 has already asked 2025 to hold its beer.

@Bob_Janke Right there with you man. I don't want to be sitting here eating cereal and see commercials about urine, erectile disfunction, vaginal dryness or anything you should be talking to the Dr about instead of me

They shouldn't be allowed to talk about urine on TV

Went to a new tobacco store today and the dude didn't ask for ID. he randomly typed in a birthday. 3-9-83. What I'm saying is I think I found my soulmate. He made me 42 years old and I love him now.

@JanuaryJames @JohnnyRiggs9 I'd read it

@JohnnyRiggs9 I’m tempted lol

I keep encouraging the wife to write it

Don’t make new year resolutions. There’s enough disappointment in life without actually scheduling it.

I tweet according to lunar cycles. What, doesn't everyone?

After today you can pack your wife’s Mariah CD in the trash 🎄

@clabaugh_mark @cnnbrk @amazon To be honest, I found out a month ago that I had been charged for a year for prime that i never signed up for. Didnt catch it. called them and they looked at the account & saw I didn't use any of the prime features. I rarely order from Amazon

Honestly this is an idiotic lawsuit. If it were to go to trial I would have a HARD time ruling against @Amazon and here is why. How do you trick someone? If I want to cancel prime, it’s easy enough from my account. They were not the first to invent the free X days then start charging.

Amazon will pay $2.5 billion to settle claims that it tricked customers into signing up for Prime, then made it hard to cancel cnn.it/3KmkliX

I’m just a girl standing in front of the coffee pot asking it to remind me that I’m too pretty for prison.

‘How do you know each other?’ We go to the same Twitter.

@Actually_Sleepy @JohnnyRiggs9 @Bob_Janke I love cracker barrel and can lead the way. I even have pictures. If there is ever a zombie apocalypse just go get all the old tools They hang on the walls. Plows, yokes, shovels, pick axes, saws etc

@JohnnyRiggs9 @Bob_Janke Me and @_SmartyPanties_ would like a word.

people are mad about cracker barrel and I don't even know where there is a cracker barrel

@Actually_Sleepy @JohnnyRiggs9 Some times I feel like I'm 80 but not 60 yet

@JohnnyRiggs9 @_SmartyPanties_ No, not yet.... But I do have an old soul.

@JohnnyRiggs9 @Actually_Sleepy @Bob_Janke 🫨 WHAT?

@Actually_Sleepy @Bob_Janke @_SmartyPanties_ Aren’t you 60

@JohnnyRiggs9 @Xfinity I am so riled up today I could piss fire

@_SmartyPanties_ @Xfinity lol your bitching is funny still

The fox bot at mint mobile is sassy af. Finally got a human that I can only guess was at a prison riot in Mongolia. She then connected me to Samsung to yet another bot that sounded like a demented weatherman. Send me a new phone @VancityReynolds it won't charge @ 4 months old