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DΛVID

@_davidlucas_

Not owing explanations to strangers on the internet since 2011. Proudly blocked by @3AWNeilMitchell.

Melbourne, Australia Katılım Ekim 2011
9.7K Takip Edilen16.3K Takipçiler
Sabitlenmiş Tweet
DΛVID
DΛVID@_davidlucas_·
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Kerry Burgess
Kerry Burgess@KerryBurgess·
Brilliant from jamiekaler! It's hard to make light of such a terrible crime, but this might help some thick-as-shit MAGA fanboys understand why this is wrong.
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Mac Dickson
Mac Dickson@MacDicksonShow·
Walking through a festival this past weekend with my daughter and we see some guy drawing caricatures. She said, "He looks sketchy!" I could not have been more proud.
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Nuclear Winter
Nuclear Winter@4SLars·
The way this cat is chewing on my severed ear makes me feel seen.
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Burning Mom ⚡️
Burning Mom ⚡️@MomOnFire·
Frankly, I’m just glad I’m not the only one who crashed out this week.
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Annie Hatfield
Annie Hatfield@AnneHatfieldVO·
I lost my notebook with all my most important work. If you find it, please finish coloring Ariel's hair.
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CHRIS 👍
CHRIS 👍@GoBurgo·
My memory foam mattress drinks to forget
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud·
CHIEF PALEONTOLOGIST: So I need a name for this giant prehistoric shark GARY: How about Megalodon CHIEF: That's a badass name ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Sea-Rex'* Fuck you Gary
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud·
If they elect an American Pope they can call him Uncle Psalm
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Jeremy London
Jeremy London@SirJeremyLondon·
If going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut then I’m a gynecologist…
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud·
Hey America, when we asked you how stupid you could get, it wasn't a challenge.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud·
On St Patrick's Day when they dye the river green, I call it Shrekago. I'm banned from Illinois for life.
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The Shovel
The Shovel@TheShovel·
“I disrespected the local customs. I brazenly walked through a door instead of climbing in over a wall. "I then rudely sat down on a chair when clearly I should have thrown it through a window. I forgot who I was talking to”. Read the full story --> tinyurl.com/47exfwph
The Shovel tweet media
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Mike Carlton
Mike Carlton@MikeCarlton01·
America…it’s like watching the Fall of Rome. There is no other democracy, from Norway to New Zealand, which would elect as its leader a rapist, felon, liar, ignoramus, misogynist, vindictive bully and charlatan.
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SingleBabyMama
SingleBabyMama@_SingleBabyMama·
I have a brain MRI in the morning and I’m nervous. I’ve always been like I’m sure everything’s fine, but my cancer diagnosis made everything not fine, so now I’m not very confident anymore. I’d appreciate any good MRI thoughts you might send my way. 🩷
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF@sofarrsogud·
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
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Μαρια Κιτρινη
Μαρια Κιτρινη@greek_heanen·
Brand new shoes means I'll step in shit, shit you not
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Burning Mom ⚡️
Burning Mom ⚡️@MomOnFire·
FYI, 500 years ago Nostradamus predicted that some of my tweets might not be true.
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