DΛVID

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Brilliant from jamiekaler! It's hard to make light of such a terrible crime, but this might help some thick-as-shit MAGA fanboys understand why this is wrong.

Walking through a festival this past weekend with my daughter and we see some guy drawing caricatures. She said, "He looks sketchy!" I could not have been more proud.

The way this cat is chewing on my severed ear makes me feel seen.

Frankly, I’m just glad I’m not the only one who crashed out this week.

I lost my notebook with all my most important work. If you find it, please finish coloring Ariel's hair.

Black Smoke Rises From Coal-Fired Power Station in Traditional Sign That Liberal Party Has Chosen New Leader theshovel.com.au/2025/05/13/bla…

My memory foam mattress drinks to forget

CHIEF PALEONTOLOGIST: So I need a name for this giant prehistoric shark GARY: How about Megalodon CHIEF: That's a badass name ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Sea-Rex'* Fuck you Gary

If they elect an American Pope they can call him Uncle Psalm

If going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut then I’m a gynecologist…

Hey America, when we asked you how stupid you could get, it wasn't a challenge.

On St Patrick's Day when they dye the river green, I call it Shrekago. I'm banned from Illinois for life.

Average IQs in Ukraine Soar After US Withdraws Its Intelligence theshovel.com.au/2025/03/06/ave…

“I disrespected the local customs. I brazenly walked through a door instead of climbing in over a wall. "I then rudely sat down on a chair when clearly I should have thrown it through a window. I forgot who I was talking to”. Read the full story --> tinyurl.com/47exfwph

America…it’s like watching the Fall of Rome. There is no other democracy, from Norway to New Zealand, which would elect as its leader a rapist, felon, liar, ignoramus, misogynist, vindictive bully and charlatan.

@_SingleBabyMama Sending good vibes across the pond 😊❤️

I have a brain MRI in the morning and I’m nervous. I’ve always been like I’m sure everything’s fine, but my cancer diagnosis made everything not fine, so now I’m not very confident anymore. I’d appreciate any good MRI thoughts you might send my way. 🩷

Cats the Musical Finally Ends After Immigrants Eat Entire Cast, Trump Claims theshovel.com.au/2024/09/12/cat…

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

Brand new shoes means I'll step in shit, shit you not

FYI, 500 years ago Nostradamus predicted that some of my tweets might not be true.