anyaraem

Now hiring someone to take my phone and smother me with chloroform every night at 10pm so I can be a far healthier and productive member of society.

There is something extra special about hotel sex.

I make jokes when I'm happy. I also make jokes to hide when I'm sad. Basically I'm a nightmare to be around 100% of the time.

What base is it when he won’t take a shower with you?

I just tried recreating the spaghetti eating scene from Lady and the Tramp. Unfortunately, my dog ruined it by falling off his chair.

Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.

the pilgrims were murderers and turkey tastes like napkins

they always ask what are you drinking but not why are you drinking ~.~

Oh good. I have allergies all year round now.

I often leave the house with the liquid eyeliner equivalent of “fuck it, send”.

I was super sad tonight, but then I ate an entire loaf of garlic bread.

When I was a kid, I used to drink from a hose. So I guess what I'm saying is not much has changed.

which Pokémon do you think has the worst depression

Our 3yo sat on the baby So I HOLLERED He played with my crutches So I SNAPPED He escaped during bath time So I SCREAMED I overreacted EVERY time Yet at bedtime he snuggled... Right on ME. I don’t deserve the love and trust he shows me. But I am DAMN grateful.

I think if you find a fork in the road, you should look around for some pancakes.