Kelly S.

If you bury an open can of Copenhagen and pour a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon over it, you can grow your own Kid Rock.

Shout out to anyone who has to endure chatty people before the caffeine kicks in.

American Idol is using every social media site EXCEPT Twitter cause they know what Elon does with voting systems.

Threw an 80th birthday party for my mom. Attrition made the guest list a lot easier.

J-Lo's last few marriages flopped harder than her last few movies. And her Vegas residency was basically "Come watch me dance through the trauma".

People are getting freckles tattooed on their faces, because they are too lazy to get sun damage the old-fashioned way

If sighing heavily is meditation then yes I meditate.

Subaru spelled backwards is ur a bus. Do with that information what you will

I beg your pardon..

If I need to see the cashier for a receipt, you should have to come to my house for your payment.

I eat all the starburst im not racist

My ex accused me of being an alcoholic so I only drink twice a week now. Once for 3 days and once for 4 days.

Is twitter going to make me search through people’s timelines manually forever, like a goddamn coal miner?

Can’t wait for that Hate button to show up. As if there’s not enough hate here already.

You don't hear me complaining mostly because I don't even know where to start.

When she says, ‘I’m fine,’ you'd better start praying.

I called trash “rubbish” today so I’m pretty sure I’m British now.

So I guess most of Mariah Carey is turning 56 today.

Everything went to shit when we started rewarding stupidity by making millionaires out of idiots posting videos on the internet.

Relax, it’s still soup weather.

I choose to see the good in others. Just kidding, people suck.