mal gibb

@anon_opin Imagine if you just got random ones, like the holy grail kit kat.

They should sell Easter Eggs that are solid chocolate all the way through. No more of this hollow egg nonsense.

When I worked as a screening room projectionist I screens Michael Parkinson and his wife Moulin Rouge in the wrong order, getting reels 3 & 4 round the wrong way, and he interviewed Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman the following day. Don't know if he realised.

@anon_opin Sounds like you should be more curious, not judgemental

I only asked if you've ever watched Ted Lasso, I didn't expect a lecture on how many subscriptions you already have, what shows you're watching on them and that you don't want to be paying for yet another subscription. A simple "No, I haven't actually" would have sufficed.

@anon_opin Definitely not perturbed to have it confirmed that Stormzy's a nice chap.

Has anyone ever learnt anything through a Louie Theroux documentary or are they all just passively staring at something we already know is perturbing while looking a bit perturbed?

@GBNews23653867 Why would anyone in the NHS vote Reform? 🤦‍♂️

🚨First we had pretend shadow cabinate appointments, now Reform candidates are cosplay NHS nurses. Anything to fool the gullible!

@MetalPirateAhoy @fesshole P.s. apologies if thats made you arse turn North. 🤣

@MetalPirateAhoy @fesshole You can hold the cork near enough in place and let the gas seep out through a tiny gap. Once the pressure is released you can let go of the cork. Its much easier doing that than trying to turn the cork whilst holding it in place.

I'm a sommelier and was trained to open a bottle of champagne silently. They taught us that it should be "as quiet as a lady's fart." Fuck that. I love the sound of a loud bottle pop so I open it as loudly as I can.

@anon_opin They should get Gerry Adams to do it.

On British TV news, all American politicians, especially That One, should be overdubbed by an actor and accompanied by subtitles. We must stop seeing them as our eccentric English-speaking cousins, and instead as a dangerous foreign state.

@fesshole I was quite happy Teddy Sheingham extended his career in the Premier League as it meant I still had a chance*. Once he retired that chance was gone as I wasn't going to break into the Premier League as the oldest player. *well apart from also being shite at footie.

My age moving on year after year worries me, it's now at the ripe old age of 40 that I know I will not be signed as a professional footballer, perhaps only on an emergency loan now.

@anon_opin Companies don't seem to give a toss about their call centre staff. If they did they'd be properly resourced rather than permanently "receiving a higher than expected volume of calls"

Ringing a call centre with the sole intention of ruining the day of the employee who answers? Prize cunt. No exceptions. You've got a complaint. You're angry. The staff member on minimum wage is trying to help you. Don't be a bullying cunt.

@ShooterMcGavin Get in the ket hoooooole!

Never forget when we had the perfect ending to the 2024 Waste Management Open

@lady_valor_07 Tartiflette

Name something France does better than any other country.

@mrdanwalker Remember the days when we thought Blatter was crooked? Turns out he was barely scratching the surface.

What has happened to football? #WorldCupDraw

@Carpenterdf @fesshole Ah distant memories of finding porn in bushes. ....similarly distant memories of finding bushes in porn. 🤣

@fesshole Do the morally correct thing and distribute in bushes and hedgerows around the local area. It's what he'd have (probably) wanted

Recently been clearing out my late dad's house and found his, frankly vast, porn collection. It is so meticulously catalogued and organised I don't have the heart to get rid and now I need to find an excuse for why we need an extra shed

@SethAbramson Venezuelan fishermen?

(📢) All right, it's time for the big question. Comment section is reopened for this one. Here we go. Assume Trump is playing 18 holes on a golf course he's never played before and has only one ball with him. He cannot cheat. No caddie, no cart, no mulligans. What does he shoot?

@SmokeyTimRobbo @anon_opin Brian Blessed sneezing.

@anon_opin Don’t disagree with this but the correct term is “downstairs like Terry Waite’s allotment”

The rise of the hairless beaver is troubling. It's an infantilisation of the female form and we should normalise having a trawlerman's jumper again.

@PaulHeatonSolo @GiroFrankMusic I was thinking it'd be an Ale Trail.🤣

@GiroFrankMusic New album (rehearsals)

And so it begins...

@fesshole There's no way a turd doesn't flush on a plane, they're mental. Once I've pressed the flush I'm scared that I'll get pulled in.

I once did such a gargantuan shit on a plane that I couldn't flush it and the water was reaching the top of the bowl. Obviously I did the responsible thing and returned sheepishly to my seat.

@NoContextBrits Not sure what's more depressing. The question or the fact there is one.

@fesshole Ah well, don't look back in anger.

Massive Oasis fan since I was a kid. Finally got the chance to see them this summer. Got blackout drunk and don't remember a thing. Been telling people who ask that it was the best night of my life. Secretly gutted.