Lincoln Bayeux 🚴 ↙️↙️↙️

Professors of creative writing love to be like, "Have you read my new novel? It's about a professor of creative writing who commits adultery."

Had a parent-teacher conference this morning My wife told me not to come I came anyway She said "please just listen and nod" I said "I always listen" She said "you listen like you're sitting in a boardroom looking for something to challenge" That's how listening works Nice classroom Small chairs I am 6'4" and was seated at a desk designed for someone who still believes in Santa Claus My knees touched my chest The teacher introduced herself Shared her identified pronouns I shared my identified adjectives Smart and handsome My wife closed her eyes The teacher had a folder Color-coded tabs I respected the organization She said our son is "a pleasure to have in class" My wife smiled I waited That sentence is never the whole report It's the executive summary before the risk section She said "however" There it is She said he "asks a lot of questions" I said "good" She said "during quiet time" I said "when is quiet time?" She said "it's when students are expected to work independently and in silence" I said "so he's the only one trying to get information and you've structured the environment to prevent it?" My wife put her hand on my arm I continued The teacher said he recently told another student that "sharing pencils doesn't make sense if nobody brings their own" I said "that's an accurate observation" My wife squeezed harder The teacher said she's concerned about his "resistance to group activities" I said "he's not resistant. He just doesn't see the value of doing more work for the same grade." The teacher said he also corrected her math on the whiteboard I said "was he right?" She paused She said "that's not the point" I said "it's a little bit the point" My wife stood up Sat back down Compromise The teacher pulled out an evaluation sheet Categories like "works well with others" and "follows directions" and "respects classroom norms" All subjective Not a number on the page I asked how these are graded She said "based on observation" I said "so one person's opinion with no second review?" She said "it's professional judgment" I said "my auditors say that too. Right before I disagree with them." She looked at my wife My wife said "I'm sorry about him" I said "I'm sitting right here" My wife said "I know" The teacher said overall he's a bright kid and she just wants to make sure he learns to "collaborate" I said "collaboration is important. But so is recognizing when you're the only one doing the work. He'll learn that again in college. And again in the real world. Might as well start now." Nobody spoke The teacher closed her folder She said "I think we've covered everything" I said "one more thing" She braced herself I said "his reading is above grade level. His math is strong. He asks hard questions and corrects mistakes when he sees them. I just want to make sure this school knows what it has." The teacher looked at me differently My wife looked at me differently I said "that's all" We left In the car my wife was quiet Then she said "he's turning into you" I said "is that a good thing?" She didn't answer From the backseat he said "dad, why does the teacher count off for asking questions? Isn't that the whole point of school?" I looked at my wife She looked out the window I said "yes. It is." He said "I don't think she likes when I'm right" I didn't say anything Neither did my wife Small chairs Color-coded tabs No follow-up items But the kid's going to be fine Sent from my iPhone

Nobody fell off harder than the hammerhead shark. Was a top shark for me as a kid and now completely obsolete in media and conversation.

My submission to the X articles completion is my book, Not Some Random Clown, which chronicles my rise to becoming a youth football coaching legend If this wins the X competition, ALL $1 million will go to St Jude and the American Cancer Society. I’ll keep nothing Due to character limits, this book is told in 3 articles. Here’s Part I of III