Cara Southpaw

me gardening in the summer: I don’t need to label this new plant, I’ll remember what it is me gardening the next spring: what the fuck is that

I've found that tucking one of your pant leg into your sock..people don't expect much from you

People singing happy birthday to you feels like a real life unskippable ad

I’m already ready to clock out from work tomorrow.

1. Optimist: Glass is half full 2. Pessimist: Glass is half empty 3. Optometrist: Who's opinion is better? 1 or 2?

Going on a mental health walk while eating a bag of shredded cheese.

claiming my anxiety as a dependent

Them: "don't forget" me: "I won't" my brain: forget what?

Someone said "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything" so I stopped talking quite a while ago

Sorry I'm late, I had to stop and watch a bird in the yard because I guess I'm just that age now

This old person in the mirror is really starting to annoy me.

You can't hurt me I used to have to write everything by hand.

Freezers should play sad music when you're out of ice cream.

Dealing with people at work made me understand why Squidward was so mean.

Cop: put your hands behind your back Me: nice try, Simon didn’t say

(boops your nose) fuck you

Asking the cashier if he’s got any cheaper gas in the back.

Me at Walmart: No one will ever know I bought this dress for $7. Stranger: I love your dress. Me: GIRL, IT WAS $7 AT WALMART AND IT HAS POCKETS

My kid has a headache and said the only thing that will help is ice cream, and I’m not a doctor but that sounds about right

Shout out to everyone who takes the back off the remote control and rolls the batteries around instead of just replacing them.