redyellowgreendance 💃🏻

Me: <Face ID attempt> Phone: “Who the F are you?” Me: <sprinkles sleep crust across eyelids, pulls 27 frizzy strands out of bun, executes quadruple chin> Phone: “Oh it’s you, come on in”

@karinagw No sh&t (pun intended)

@RYGdance A friend of mine had a free-roaming turtle. Your son has been misinformed.

Latest reason my son says we should get a turtle: “They don’t even pee or poop”

Two field trips this week. Pray for me.

*taking a quiz* Quiz: Do you experience unexplained anger? *sees my kids arguing and making a huge mess while my husband brings dirty cups and dishes from his office, places them on the counter, and walks away* Me: No, it's very much explained.

@allholls Yeah there’s no mystery here

@bestestname @GinRumMe Esp on a hot day no

Why would you even leave milkshake in the yard

@jenniferlevy @_sorrengailll 👊🏻

@_sorrengailll @RYGdance I feel seen

When I say Bed Bath and Beyond just know I’m talking about Bath and Body Works.

Doctors' offices are like: “Show up 15 minutes early so the doctor can see you 45 minutes late."

“Don’t overthink it.” Okay what else am I supposed to do.

@_sorrengailll @momTruthBomb Same for me with Star Wars/Star Trek

@DadandBuried Always unhappy to hop on any call

Email: Happy to jump on a quick call if you prefer! Me: THERE IS LITERALLY NO SITUATION IN WHICH A PHONE CALL IS PREFERABLE

Made a lot of mistakes in my life but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for has never been one of them.

Starbucks implies the existence of stardoe

I hate it when I gain 15 pounds for a role, then I remember I'm not an actor.

Parenting is full of wondrous surprises, like when your 10 yr old asks you “Want me to show you how to get out of handcuffs?”

10: “If you wanna stay trendy, you have to say ‘IG’ or ‘Insta’. Don’t call it ‘Instagram’ like you did in the 90s.”