Tom Burchell 💙

@GrumpyOldRick Have you tried to get on a plane with a utility bill for ID, Rick?

further to my last post ....what a bloody disgrace . Made me ashamed to be British . Don't you just hate "jobsworths".

@fesshole Malibu has neither vodka nor milk in it…? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Housemate moved out and left a load of powdered milk behind. We added it to supermarket vodka in the hope it would taste like Malibu. Not quite. But it certainly didn't stop us getting horribly drunk.

@BonerWizard What’s 26 years between friends?

Radios stations are still saying “music from the 80s, 90s, and today”

@dank_ackroyd Headline says: An AI pic! Even says it’s about anal.

Is this about up the arse

@bensoncatherine @dank_ackroyd They say Damon Hill now.

@dank_ackroyd I suspect no police officer has said, “Who do you think you are? Nigel Mansell?” for far too long

Just said ‘alright Lord Snooty’ because someone’s got a box of Thorntons

@alexandrakuri Is this the name of an indie band?

@BBCWorld Italy has been a republic since 1946.

French far-right leader romantically linked to Italian princess bbc.in/41mXt8o

@ThatEricAlper Kneecap.

What's a band named with a body part in it?

@CountBinface A bunch.

What is the collective noun for a group of c***s?

@indianloonie No one mentioning Moulin Rouge…?

We all know

@dank_ackroyd He was an absolute Croque of a Monsieur.

Calling Jeffrey Epstein ‘the paedophile financier’ makes him sound like something from Patisserie Valerie

@eugeneh84 Guacamole Window?

These two were in a crime drama on 4 last night and we were expected to take them seriously

@fesshole Please give my condiments to the chef.

Whenever we need more Heinz mayo and tomato ketchup which are over £4 each in the shops, we go to our local pub for a 2 for £10 meal and twok some new ones off the shelf instead.

@fesshole ‘Lucky meat’

My dad had a policy nothing went bad no matter how long ago the expiration date was. He ate things up to 10 years past. Can't tell anyone but I'm laughing cleaning out his cupboards because so many of his items expired the same month as him.

@BBCNews Sting was defunding the Police before it was a thing.

Sting pays Police bandmates more than £500,000 in royalties bbc.in/3NgtgE9

@jdpoc It’s ‘utmost’ Tommy. Being racist is bad enough but racist and illiterate is unforgivable.

It's happened AGAIN. Yaxley AGAIN forgets to log out of his own account AGAIN and into one of his socks before gushing praise ...

@I_amMukhtar Most Iranians don’t really consider themselves Muslim. They live under a theocratic autocracy. Huge secular demographic…

No Muslim would burn their own mosque even if they can't stand their government.

@JairContro @TwinkTheory If you plan on dying at 56 it is.

@TwinkTheory 28 is middle aged

I periodically like stressing people out by reminding them that Anne Bancroft was 36 in the graduate

@dieworkwear Is this a dagger which I see behind me?

"I'll fight Greenland." In the early 20th century, Danish explorer Peter Freuchen got buried in an avalanche in Greenland. Immobilized and facing the possibility of death in a ice grave, he tuned his own feces into a dagger, which he used to free himself.

@InternetH0F I thought there was going to be a joke about having ‘nuts on the backside’. 🤷🏻‍♂️

It's kind of a superpower to walk around and have a general to accurate idea about how everything around you was made