durnt

When your kids turn out exactly the way you raised them 🥹

@Doc_Red_ Being fat.

The fastest way to lose patient trust:

@seizuresalad @doctorcalf Vacationing in Japan ruined me for so many things 😭

@durnt @doctorcalf We have a Japanese toilet at home which has ruined me for normie toilets everywhere.

A warm public toilet seat is an unnerving experience

@cookiecarver Shop girls always tell me they like my style. Just sayin’

guys are reception girls at fancy gyms usually very flirty or was she actually flirting with me i can't tell

I saw a waddle of mainland Chinese women taking advantage of American birthright citizenship. Nice. I’ll keep using it.

@NoFilterSkin Massages for me. I’m naked and someone’s touching me. How am I supposed to relax?

Ladies can we agree that getting your nails done is not an enjoyable experience? 😭

@SarAllyce I’m more surprised by the fact that there are not fit women in Miami.

In Miami the women go outside in their underwear. Just a bra & very tiny shorts. They wear them to the grocery store, out to nice restaurants. Even the ones that are not fit, Joe, they walk around in their bra with their big belly hanging out

My gym is playing Fergie and that’s the only kind of music I like while I work out: upbeat and stupid.

@Doc_Red_ @farbood Are you trying to get an invite? Did you use the link in his bio? Maybe it’s a country issue… app.a-list.com/farbood/invite…

@durnt @farbood Can’t access 🥹

If your calorie counting app makes you PAY to see wha your macro intake is, Get a better app

@MustardFren @Oilfield_Rando What a terrible woman. He’s clearly a yellow boy!

@Oilfield_Rando Is there a complaint somewhere?

I AM HOOOOOOOOWWLING

@thedimitri I hate being manipulated into giving compliments. I smile and politely say, “I’m not guessing.” This might only work because I am a woman.

Have they ever figured out a good answer for when a woman asks you how old she looks

My whoop thinks I played field hockey. I vacuumed.

@MurrayHillGuy1 You can say no.

The cost of being in your late 20s/early 30s that no one warns you about: 5-10 weddings per year that cost you $500-$1,000 each to attend The biggest scam in America are weddings!!!

@MargaritaNicko @cybelethebest I love watching her talk on mute. She’s mesmerizing.

@cybelethebest Right? I can admit AOC is hot even though I think her policy ideas are dumb.

Wish libs would admit that Trump is funny and Melania is pretty.

Best batch of potato’s I’ve made in the air fryer

@JobobTaeleifi Serial killers have an m.o. so…

By default, if you like murder, you have to have a favorite type

The Ilhan Omar thing isn’t a mistake that even children make. I don’t care if she corrected herself.

@zillowgonewild Is anyone else afraid of falling into a conversation pit and breaking an ankle? House is beautiful though

How do we feel about Scandinavian design? 📍Doylestown, PA 🏡 $1,695,000 🛌 4 bd, 4 ba | 3,358 sq ft

@luinalaska The ambrosia salad is SO good though 😂 I feel all vintage-y when I eat it once a decade or two

If you put fruit and whipped cream in jello I don’t believe you have the light of Christ in your soul. It probably says it somewhere in Ephesians.