SWR Halp

This is a **PARODY** account and 99% of tweets are purely for fun/comedy purposes, and not designed to upset or cause offence. We have no affiliation with South Western Railway at all.

@elfbert @geofftech Yes that is correct, but please, shhhhhh we do not want any terrorists to read this and find our this is our big weakness

@geofftech @SW_Help Wow, so all any would-be bombers need to do is make a huge bomb, get someone in hi Viz to put it on the train and put a few stickers on saying 'nothing to see here.' 👀

@truthinhades @SW_Help Text 61016 for BTP - hopefully there are some guards or train managers around too.

@SW_Help Drunks shouting fighting swearing in carriage 5 on the 5 30 Southampton to Waterloo. Horrible and scary for other passengers especially women alone and kids. Need someone to tell them to stop drinking or have a word at Waterloo. transport police? no help contact number

Well done @SW_Halp Nearly four hours from London to Exeter and “even” in first class there are no refreshments…. Service? No!! #cannotrunarailway

@SW_Help do you have any idea when your app will be working again? Trying to book tickets from CLJ to Paignton - computer says no! Looking at live updates - ditto! I presume @grantshapps and his band are aware of this week long problem @swtrains_watch @SW_Halp

DELAYED | The 1722 Service from Basingstoke to Waterloo is delayed. This is due to recent fuel shortages and delays down to large queues. ^Meg

@SW_Help @SW_Halp First SWT train I’ve caught in 2 yrs. Runs so late I miss my connection. Adds almost an hour to my journey. I’ll miss my lift and I’ll have to get a cab to my destination as usual. Consistent service I suppose.

@SW_Help I left my aftershokz headphones on the 7:47 train from Waterloo to Egham. Is there anyway of finding out if these were handed in or picked up by the guard? Thank you ,🤞

Happy #Caturday

@TigerDonald2000 @willowspuppy Ok Donald... you follow me. I have addressed the situation and you are still acting like a whiny little child. So for that reason I shall say goodbye and press the big red "block" button.

@SW_Halp @willowspuppy You are doing this from a position of ignorance and you are taking the mickey out of the travelling public. I don't know who you think you are but if you do it again, I shall take pleasure in reporting you,

@timjtravels Hi Tim, I've spoken with our machine maintenance team. They tell me that this is often caused by dirty fingers. Lick the end of your index finger to clean it, and then give the button a firm press. This should then work. ^Janine

Hey @SW_Help just letting you know that one of your ticket machines at Kew Bridge is not working for some reason. I’ve had to cross over and use a machine 🙃🙃

@LukeTrainPlanes Hi Luke, it's not always about money. Let the train take the strain, sit back and relax, enjoy the service as you're whisked into London. It's far easier than fighting traffic. ^Sophia (Marketing Apprentice)

@SW_Help @DfTstats @grantshapps Can you answer this ? It would cost me and my wife £100 to travel to london rtn (off peak). In my car fuel rtn would cost around £30. I could even take 3 others with me. How is this eco friendly. And how is this justified ? @swtrains_watch

From this Monday the viewing of @OnlyFans videos, or indeed any other sexual video will be strictly forbidden on our services. Guards will be checking passenger's mobile devices as they patrol the carriage. Thank you for your cooperation. ^Bruce (Passenger Enforcer)

@SW_unHELPful Hello, we're sorry for the discomfort you're facing. In June we released the following image to demonstrate our recommended way for those over 5ft 9inch could sit so they can fit into the seats. Feedback has been excellent so far. ^Yolanda

Good to see some things haven’t changed. This is genuinely as far back as I can sit, and now I must travel like this for 2+ hrs paying for the privilege. The price of @SW_Help not having a reservations policy. Turn up and suffer.

@SPOONERKATE Hello Ms Spooner, with it being summer and temperatures expected to be nearly 25 degrees today, it's important to keep the trains cool. Anyone who is generally cold should bring extra layers rather than expect the whole train to be heated to your liking. ^Tina

@Richard_Edwards Hi Richard, this is to stop hackers breaking into the railway mainframe. ^Donald (Lead Cyber Security Engineer)

@SW_Help why do I have to sign in every time to use wi-fi?

@wills_gaff Hi Will, I believe your phone needs restarting. If that doesn't work then your model is not compatible with our router. ^Wendy (Senior Network Engineer)

@SW_Help how is it you want to be the 1st to 5G but I can’t seem to ever get stable WiFi on the Waterloo-Exeter St David’s route? Need to get the basics right.

@contactMarc @holmespmusic Hello Marc, our usual cleaners Magda and Mattheus have been away on a training course for most of August. They're due back on Wednesday and I'll ask them to look at this upon their return. ^Polly (On-Board Hygiene Officer)

@holmespmusic @SW_Help @TfL @grantshapps @BBCBreaking @GMB Mate if you have travelled with this network for last few years you would understand, prices are a joke now

How confident are we that @SW_Help take covid seriously when they can't even be bothered to clean the trains from last night? Beer cans and graffiti, seats are filthy! #swr #swt @TfL @grantshapps ticket prices have increased too😅 rip off @BBCBreaking @GMB

@Zorrowondercat Hi Lee, please refrain from taking pictures of fellow passengers. We will consider this a verbal warning at this stage. ^Fran (Passenger Behaviour Officer)

This is my train tonight. Packed. No one wearing masks. @SW_Help if I go down with COVID heaven help you

@misselaineous01 Hi Elaine, thank you for letting us know. It won't be the same without you but I'm sure we'll survive. ^Terry

@ScottTaylorUK Hi Scott, I'm sorry you felt so uncomfortable. We will look into this for you. Just to confirm, when you say "global pandemic", you mean Covid? Just checking ^Donald (Covid Response Executive)