Becky Heaviside

@FrizFrizzle Speaking as somebody’s 40 year old daughter, I would be much more supportive if my mum wanted to do something wild and crazy with her hair! And if people are going to “ridicule” her then they’re not people she needs in her life. Yuck!

@MaxineWade May he get the nursing care he deserves and not what all our fabulous nurses feel duty bound to give him.

@joodypoodie @MaxineWade @AlexMol29054132 She’s not her biological child but she’d be a bit of a crap parent to a young person if she didn’t think of her and treat her as “her child” now 🤦🏼‍♀️

@MaxineWade @AlexMol29054132 Didn't know you could be a kinship carer for your own child ?

@StuartAndrew The huge crowd were mostly there for the Horsforth Town Street Christmas market, which was organised by local businesses. Local Tory councillors literally voted against it happening.

Followed by a meeting with residents about south Asian arts and finally joined the huge crowds at the Horsforth Christmas Lights switch on (2/2)

Busy day around the patch starting with an interview with the Horsforth School newspaper, then joined Guiseley AFC for their Pitching event to meet volunteers, next went to visit the social enterprise Scrap Creative Reuse as part of Small Business Saturday (1/2)

@fesshole She didn’t need that negativity in her life. Breaking up with you probably helped her succeed :-)

I once dumped a perfectly nice girl because she sliced her toast vertically. Looked her up, shes now a rich lawyer. I am an idiot.

@NicksSetters @AngelaRayner “Kids who where pregnant”? What were you teaching them? I hope not English.

Yes.

Of all the things I expected from @DerrenBrown’s show, I didn’t expect to cry. If I commit a crime tomorrow though I’m totally going to blame him!

@Moz550 @willowpuff @almurray @hannahrosewoods The “pus” bit is the legs (well feet) so maybe “magnum nopus”?

@willowpuff @almurray @hannahrosewoods Yeah, but it's got no legs, so it's an opus. Too subtle?

Please help me understand this. I am losing my mind

@NinaWarhurst “Hated doing this publically [sic]” but of course had to for… reasons…

Some emails I picked up today from someone I’ve never met It’s hard to know what to do with stuff like this. But putting it here because this sort of “advice” comes my way a lot. And to other women We have a long, long way to go

@Dawn_French You always have such fabulous eye makeup!

Apparantly I went out AND I’m still growing hair….#stopthepress

@johnnydsfan @joelycett Surely the biggest issue facing us all today is ropey, sycophantic poetry! Run for the hills!

. @BorisJohnson dont rise to it babe, im with nadine we r on ur side no matter what xoxox

@jamesoflynn @fesshole I agree. Sending cat pics has the potential to brighten somebody’s day while still being a prank. Sending cocks is probably illegal as well as unwelcome! 🤷🏼‍♀️

@fesshole Why, upon finding an anonymous way of sending something to an unknown person, was your first thought pictures of penises? What's wrong with sending daily motivational kitten memes or something ffs. Why immediately revert to grossly offensive?

There's a wifi connected printer somewhere near my shop. It's not password protected and I've been sending pictures of big penises to it for ages. Just found out it's the printer in the funeral parlour next door. Sorry.

@juliepergrem @MrBButterfield @DanBainesLol Another vote for Dan! 😁

Who would you like to see as a guest on the second instalment of my Podpodpodcast?

@sarajcox I’ve made three bespoke advent calendars for adults for £50 each this year. None of them is massively rich or privileged but they want something nice after the rough couple of years we’ve all had. Yes it’s a luxury some can’t afford but let people enjoy things!

Who knew me getting my 3 kids a pretty bog standard (tho lovely) advent calendar each from Sainsbury’s would get someone cross 🤷🏼‍♀️

@fesshole The lie detector test confirms this is a lie.

When I was 17 I didn't like my Dad to much after a family break up. I slept with his then girlfriend for revenge I was 17 she was 36 and I took great delight in telling him. Went back for 2nds and 3rds. I'm now 44 and have some regrets. Sorry

I surely can’t be the only one who wants an official @jayrayner1 “Tonight, Matthew, I will be a bloody outrage” T-shirt? theguardian.com/food/2021/oct/…

@P_flake @LTATGS @fesshole Wooooooaaaaaahhhhh, your sex is so dire… 🎤🎶

@LTATGS @fesshole 'Your sex is so shit' Less successful follow up single by Kings of Leon.

After a dozen years of marriage during which oral was never an option, my wife has suddenly discovered a real enthusiasm and talent for blowjobs. It's great but I can't help but wonder where the initiative and the expertise have come from.

@DeborahMeaden I imagine that the only reason I’d ever trend on Twitter is if I do something epically or dangerously stupid, or am murdered. I’m quite happy not to!

Kathy, I really couldn't care less. I don't post to trend....

.@BeckyHeaviside and Friends will be bringing THREE stand up shows to Durham Fringe Festival 2021 With a show every day of the festival there's no excuse not to catch one of these brilliant shows! Get your tickets at durhamfringe.co.uk/shows/

@_JoMarney @brianmoore666 Surely you can judge the kind of “single woman” who makes the decision to bang the kind of man that behaves like that? Not exactly valuing yourself, is it?

When @brianmoore666 decides you’re not allowed to get a divorce or have a relationship with someone older than you! 😂 And then blames the single woman for the decision the man made. So many issues here. I think Brian is a little bit ageist and sexist.