Daveastated

Her: I've found a picture of you when you were a baby! Me: yeah? let me see. Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

You're a Blizzard, Harry

I've combined my degree in taxidermy with my bomb making skills so now I can now make you an otter you can't defuse...

[First date] Me: I’m gonna need you to spell the word “lose”

rewatching avengers: age of ultron. despite the title, they never tell you how old ultron is

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF! Also me: *lives alone*

Kinda bored. Gonna rub my eyes till I see cool shapes and colors.

Chicken Soup for the Soul but it's Campbell's

@EdgarPoop1 Camelballs soup

If Baz Luhrmann did North London derbies....🎥⚽️🚨

Never met a faux I couldn't pas

@AllanForsyth @orikron I don't get it

@orikron Designed by Karl LAGERfeld?

the menswear guy has been QUIET since this dropped

@WelBeast Poor son

One word.

*Auditioning for the role of Frankenstein's monster* Did I get the parts?

I barely get a mention in my wife's new autobiography, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.

soupsational, soupillating, soupendous

@EdgarPoop1 @human_torso Even better for a rabbit. Cos of the hops.

@human_torso Wind beer would be a great name for a cat

marrying madison beer just so i can take her last name

New tour dates have just landed. I’ll add them and a link in the comments plus there should be a link in my bio. Some of my big regular towns are still missing but they’ll be added. We’ll get to Leeds, Brum, Glasgow, Ireland etc etc. don’t worry.

@EdgarPoop1 @TMZ Bride of Vancenstein

@Daveastated @TMZ Wowwww

Erika Kirk recently revealed she stayed out of her own bedroom for weeks after her husband, Charlie Kirk, was shot. Details: tmz.me/eC0bBf8

@EdgarPoop1 @TMZ She gonna be his Viancé

@TMZ Bc she was in jd's