jackothy

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school ME: What's that? SON: A big building with lots of kids

Perception check

wife just said "what's this stick in the trunk of your car?" it's my stick. what kind of question is that.

@advicefromphil @WinningByARose Store it alongside your puncture repair kit for emergencies

@advicefromphil @WinningByARose A thousand hypnotists couldn't make me forget

@WinningByARose @advicefromphil Hi

@advicefromphil @HansGrubertron You need to get on Bees discord. He’s usually about there 😎

No idea why AirBnB’s business is suffering. Anyway last time I stayed at one I forgot to separate garbage and recycling and the owner shot me with a bow and arrow

@WinningByARose Thank you, Cat! I owe you £10 for slipping the "tall" in like we agreed ♥️

Happy birthday to one of the loveliest dorkiest smartest surprisingly TALL @HansGrubertron my dnd HUN! Hope you have a wonderful day you massive nerd and I’ll see you next Tuesday 😎 🎲💖🥳

hey guys!!! My best friend is getting heart surgery in august and it’s gonna be incredibly expensive, we’re doing a lil gofundme ! donate or share if you can ! gofund.me/731a00f2

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to— ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

fantastic work no notes

@TuSoonShakur You're morally obligated to regurgitate food for them now

Ain’t it great?

@YuckyTom She was overwhelmed by the experience and had to sit down and vogue to regain composure. The man is her emotional support photographer.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

@PleaseBeGneiss @nyquills @CrockettForReal @Browtweaten @CAshmanActor @michikoconuts @chuuew @HenpeckedHal @aissalanis @GorillaNipples1 @recursivetaco @minkpinkustink @alexlumaga @KylePlantEmoji Thanks, Slate. Appreciate your limitless support.

@FeiKhal I want AI to edit these into a scene where the other 3 are all running from Daphne and she's gaining on them.

Reminds me of this, Daphne out here hunting souls

@rob_thegeek I don't think a gun has a clitoris

I have absolutely no experience but I feel like I could find the clitoris if someone held a gun to my head

@GarlicCorgi Perfect.

"No."

@alexlumaga @ReplyGPT Even the AI reply bot wanted nothing to do with this

@alexlumaga @ReplyGPT

the rumors circulating about me are completely untrue. I would never "aggressively finger a sandwich" even if that is the only way to get the mayo into all the crevices