Mel

@RichHarrris @fesshole I wrote this song for you!

@fesshole Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue…

Married, living with my wife and two daughters. I never call them by name, instead just shout whatever 90's extinct female name comes to mind. Linda, Tina, Margaret, Trisha, whatever is on the tip of my tongue. Either by tone or context, they always know which one of them I mean.

@SoVeryBritish @HeldinEU @saleemsaimaa This is exactly why Easter moves. Easter is the Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox. If the equinox is a Saturday AND a full moon then the earliest Easter can be is 22nd March.

@HeldinEU @saleemsaimaa Ask the Earth and the sun

21st March, actually.

@omid9 It genuinely took me a few minutes to realise it was you when I watched it. The costume designer did a good job!

On the ITV drama on now #Betrayal the former Iranian general in the IRGC looks like he also once managed Gabon in the Africa cup of Nations having achieved minor success in the Hungarian league.

@reece_dinsdale When you retire, you could start a talent agency and take them all on ??!

If I’d a wish left to me in this profession it’d be that, as a director, I could give a job to all the actors I’ve worked with, tutored or come across whom I’ve been impressed by. Unfortunately there aren’t enough opportunities to do so & many will never know my respect. 🙁 🙌 x

@Archmike @VictoriaCoren @ClapsLikeASeal A happy medium is always welcome at my table, the medium to large was miserable 🤣

@crookedwindow @VictoriaCoren @ClapsLikeASeal Can I play a happy medium?

This is my final column, I’m done. So I’m leaving with a good old-fashioned controversial blast of opinion. telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/victoria-…

@tokyosexwhale Haha so tempted to go and liberate it 🤣

Yesterday I was in a posh pub in Bury St Edmunds (The Angel) and noticed a screw on the wall. Today I can back and filled it. Hopefully they’ll keep it

@VictoriaCoren @ClapsLikeASeal *writes that idea down immediately. Moonface could take the black though too, in Pratchett cross over 🤣

@crookedwindow @ClapsLikeASeal I don’t think I could stand for such a desecration of Moonface. You’ll be telling me next the Saucepan Man wants to boil people alive.

@VictoriaCoren @ClapsLikeASeal Off on a tangent here, but I'm writing a D&D campaign based in the Faraway Tree universe. I'm intending to make it a gothic horror, possibly with Moonface as a vampire.

@ClapsLikeASeal Sneered?! I think you misunderstood the tone of the occasion. Reading Enid Blyton to 2-year-olds would probably be in my top ten all-time list of good things to do.

@rickeaglestone Not available in Bury St Edmunds Tesco 😭 *checks Sainsbury's

@crookedwindow Something for pudding?

Ok, consider me interested

@rickeaglestone Fucking hell🤣🤣

@rickeaglestone I've got two in my clock and collect for tomorrow now. I'm sure this is going to do my kidney function wonders. I'm sad the lasagne one doesn't have pasta in it though.

@crookedwindow Same, as I've just found out there's two others

@GarfieldUtd_ @BladeoftheS You missed the s off the end.

@BladeoftheS Coke head

I know London has a sewage problem. But bloody hell!

@domino @fesshole I recently had this at addenbrookes, told the nurse I needed a 22g and she used an 18g, cannula failed, huge bruise on inside of forearm and someone else had to try. Ended up with a picc! Lots of medical folk don't like being told stuff by the patient.

@fesshole Nurse here. No, you're not. If I as a pt have 24g veins you're not drawing blood with a 14g. That would be both stupid and unethical. Do it often enough, and you get called to a "fitness to practice" meet. Oops.

Phlebotomist here. If you're rude or completely ignore me when I'm asking all the relevant questions by talking on your phone, I'm using the BIGGEST needle I have regardless of how thin your veins are

@jim463800423959 @D162Michele @RupertLowe10 I fucking hate this country and I'm stuck here thanks to Brexit. I'm white, the furthest anyone in my family has moved from Leamington Spa ( last four generations from there, previously one half was from brum). I wanted to leave but then Brexit happened and now I'm stuck here!

Let’s deport the foreigners who hate Britain.

@RupertLowe10 What about the people born here that hate it here ?

@anon_opin He was vile when he moved to bury st Edmunds. He kicked the Chinese new year dragon and had a public rant about the new cathedral dean being gay. Awful.

Since Norman Tebbitt received near-universal hagiography among his recent obituaries, I'd like to redress the balance by pointing out that he was an appalling homophobe. And "now is not the time" doesn't cut it.

@fesshole In a similar vein I killed benny hill and my daughter killed prince Philip. After Phillip died we wondered if two together would be more powerful. We sat and worked out way through the then Tory cabinet starting with Priti Patel.. didn't work.

When the headmaster solemnly announced in assembly that Martin had died in a car crash, all my mates looked at me. The previous day I had written 'I wish that Martin would be killed' in my exercise book; despite further requests, I never used the book again.

@basilthegreat It's got nothing to do with Islam and everything rn do with the fact that teenage girls roll the waist bands up until the skirts barely cover their backsides.

Forcing girls to cover their legs to appease the Muslim community. The Islamisation of the UK continues.

@bravopipianda @DOTR94 @RupertLowe10 As much as I agree, just letting you know that tea is grown in Cornwall at Tregothan :)

@DOTR94 @RupertLowe10 Start by eliminating all the words we have taken from Latin, French, Vikings, Anglo Saxon, and all other countries. Then eliminate all foods we can't grow here. no more tea, no more coffee, no more chocolate. Cancel all raw materials we have to buy from abroad.

No foreign national unable to speak English should be living in our country.