The Alicianater

At least once per day I look up at the Sun and think that star is too damn close and we should be more alarmed.

[doctor examining my body after my mysterious death] wow. I've never seen a human body composed of such a high percentage of mashed potatoes

@blondie0903 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I’m so bored I just checked to see if I had any apps to update

@blaha_Who ❤❤❤

[GOD CREATING SKUNKS] How about a big ferret that sucks

Threw my back out fucking the other day. I have officially reached the "ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex" stage of my life.

9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we're now Amish

I haven't tweeted in awhile because I've been very busy hating my fucking life.

You can trust me. I'm from the Internet.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

There should be a way to search pics in my camera roll just typing stuff like "that one where I don't have a triple chin" or "that cute dog"

Words happen. Words are hard.

"Son, it's time we had the talk" *puts on porn DVD "So anyway, sex is the exact opposite of that. Good talk, son."

Girl, I'm going to pick you up on my BMX, share a grape popsicle with you, and then take you back to my place to watch "Thundercats"

Dear Fully Grown Man wearing a hoodie with kitten ears, Do you realize that you're a Fully Grown Man wearing a hoodie with kitten ears?

I've replaced all of my coworkers normal scissors with safety scissors just to show them how competent I think they all really are.

If you could convert Political Twitter into a sound, it would be the sound of a fart that lasts 43 years.