dirk on the couch

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Me: I know it's early but I finished a gingerbread house today Her: I usually don't make one until December Me: Make?

@oneawkwardmom @mxmclain @dadmann_walking @LifePitts @Parentpains @meantomyself @IHideFromMyKids @AnAppleHat @Tobi_Is_Fab @RiotGrlErin if i wasn’t still in my defiant stage i’d say “ayyy thank you!!”

While you’re here, follow these people to keep the laughs going @mxmclain @dadmann_walking @LifePitts @Parentpains @meantomyself @IHideFromMyKids @AnAppleHat @onthemauve @Tobi_Is_Fab @RiotGrlErin

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

[baggage claim] VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: the next ones out will be emotional

devil on my shoulder: eat a cookie devil on my other shoulder: eat a whole box of cookies

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket* Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Nobody: My daughter: if I had to choose a weapon it would probably be a dagger

Me: Do you have everything? Daughter: Yesssss Me: You sure? Daughter: YESSSSS!!!! *2 minutes down the road Daughter: I forgot something

Bars could cure depression if they gave happy more than an hour at a time

my 4yo: I'm a chocolate monster but I'm also half cookie monster me: *cancels DNA test*

A ranch dressing stain on a t-shirt is the midwestern scarlet letter.

An extra sixty minutes of coffee time today makes this whole time change worth it.

Don’t think of today as the end of DST, instead it’s the chance to be up at 4am on a Sunday ffs

thought a pillow feather was a bug on me, but we’re cool. everything’s cool. i’ll clean up the mess.

[Studying for his history test] 10: I wish I was born in the 1800s Me: Why? 10: I’d have less history to learn

Me, in the backseat of a cop car: Oh! Roll down the window, I want to ask if they have any Grey Poupon.

Turned back my clock to the summer of ‘98