Bill Mack

@mortime01701006 @PulpLibrarian Great joke

@PulpLibrarian There goes one of the better punchlines in the shaggy dog story canon: " it was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"

I regret to inform you that Schlitz beer is ending. Pabst Brewing Company have today announced they will end the brand with a final batch, brewed on Saturday, May 23. The last afterwork Schlitzpause will then follow...

@MboyaMatiba @MarioNawfal I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

@MarioNawfal In some jurisdictions,that would constitute entrapment.

🇵🇭 Police in the Philippines rode a city bus through a dedicated lane, watched as cars and motorcycles illegally tailed it to skip traffic, then stepped off at the end and ticketed every single one. They didn't even stand a chance ☠️😂

When you are performing on a television special you cannot use the material you use in your regular act. Whatever you say on television is burned. You cannot repeat that joke. You cannot tell that joke at a club. That joke is now in the ether. The material you have in your act has been worked on and perfected over a long period of time so yes, you need writers to help with new material when you are working a television gig. When the Tonight Show featured young comedians, it was both a gift and a curse. If you were a very new comedian, and you used your best stuff on the show, you were using your bread and butter. I watched the roast today while donating platelets. (A two and a half hour procedure). I can’t say that I laughed out loud once. I can say that some of the material was pretty funny. I can also say that some of the material was way too blue. But it is a roast and you get what you get in a 2026 roast. This ain’t Dean Martin anymore.

@levfercomedy Comedians spend all their time talking about the “craft” of stand up comedy only to have team of writers to come up with their jokes? This is like finding out most rappers use ghostwriters.

@__karl__ @fesshole Do you mean something like a “report card “?

@fesshole Would it not have been easier to give her a written report? 🤷

Teacher here, parents evening, single mum is deaf and son is signing for her. Lots of nods and smiles. Following year, independent sign language representative brought in as son was "falsifying" comments to his own benefit.

@rescuerules @Mikes_Brother I am sorry to report that if you investigate how they have done as adults they are more likely than not to have a lengthy criminal record. Beatings as children don’t usually teach anything. (I don’t blame you for trying. It was the appropriate response at the time).

@Mikes_Brother When I was a teenager I beat the absolute sh!t out of two boys who were killing ducks in a park. I’m still enraged when I think of it. Immediate consequences are the only thing people like this learn from. I’d do it again today.

Yesterday I shouted . I properly shouted. Some ducklings were near the shore and some children were throwing stones. STOP THROWING STONES AT THE DUCKS! Two parents then decided to try and be directly confrontational. Are you the police? Who are you to shout?!

@JonSinnreich @JDHamkins There are indeed some people who you just want to look at and say “I would not want to drive across a bridge you had any part in designing.”

@JDHamkins The semester after I took hydrodynamics, the prof hired me to be his grader for the class. Wasn't a TA but word got out & students would ask me to explain their mistakes. I learned that 1) teaching a subject is the best way to learn it & 2) some people just cannot be engineers.

Years ago, when I was a math graduate student TA, I would grade quizzes or exams, and occasionally I would find a submission consisting of incoherent nonsense. At the time, it seemed unkind to give harsh feedback, and so I would write, "Sorry, I don't understand this."

@MCCCANM My deplaning joke is to tell the pilot that I don’t care what the flight attendants have been saying about him. I think he’s doing a good job.

If you tell the passengers on the PA that you’re going to land right on the 1,000’ markers in Maui (to prep them for a short field landing), then miss it by 50’… …they’ll all have jokes while deplaning. Yep, they’re all very funny.

@greta Slow horses

I am going on a long plane flight …I want to download a series that is about 14 hours…any suggestions? I love thrillers, don’t like laugh track shows (I know when to laugh..)

@Todd_Spence The choreography is from blazing saddles

In 2005, William Shatner roasted George Lucas at Lucas's AFI ceremony, and it's glorious. Love it when he tells Chewbacca to shut up.

@MarieIsabellaB Sadly, I’m too old to pull this off. Fentanyl users don’t usually live to my age.

Bro understood the assignment🤣

@horstman_ryan @Bennieeexyz There is a lot to unpack in that song.

@Bennieeexyz I thought until last Xmas they were saying "ceiling wax" instead of sealing wax in puff the magic dragon

I was eating alone at a mexican restaurant once and a group of college kids were chatting over tortilla chips. There was some jabber and then.. "..we had to climb over the bob wire!" "Dude, did you just say 'bob wire'?" "Yea man, that spiky shit!" "You actually think it's called bob wire? Like fucking Robert wire? You think it's called Robert wire?" "Well what the hell do you think it's called?" "It's BARB wire you idiot! Like Barbara wire!" *the third guy* "Oh my god. You guys. BARBED wire. Because the wire has barbs, it is BARBED." "Oohhhhh!" "Fucking Robert and Barbara wire. Fuck you guys."

@danacangemi @LloydLegalist I still love you

@LloydLegalist Break up with my boyfriend. WOW! He was a bad choice!

If God gave me a Life Mulligan, I’d hug my parents and ask their forgiveness for every dumb thing I ever did. To which they’d say, “Who are you and what have you done with our son?!”

@LloydLegalist Amen

@hyperdiscogirl I once referred to my wife as “my child bride“ in a training session 18 years ago. I still hear about that. ( She is 11 years younger than me. I was 49 when we got married).

at my startup there was a girl right out of college who got hired at the same time as me for the same position, and a week into the job she comes over to my virtual desk to breathlessly inform me that the ceo had said "the r word" in a meeting

@JesseKellyDC You’re not wrong.

The only worse than a Navy guy is a Navy guy who got to smoke jihadi boats out of the water with deck guns. They’re gonna be insufferable now.

@BWWings @DDawkins66 Return the roast beef on kimilwick roll to the menu and would book a flight.

.@DDawkins66 got an idea

@nicksortor He is playing to his base and his base loves him.

🚨 JUST IN: Democrat TN State Rep. Justin Pearson just went on a GHETTO TIRADE on State Troopers after the House PASSED the new Congressional map “MOVE THE F*CK BACK! BOY!” “The f*ck is wrong witchu??! You STUPID MOTHERF*CKER!” This thug needs to be expelled NOW!

@kaylajohnsonatl You picked a keeper!

since this popped off, yes I've always known about the cards, he plays them every week with his college besties if you'd like to add another green flag to the mix for healthy close male friendships!

my new husband: "just so you know, if you see an app pop up on my phone with a flame icon, it's not Tinder. it's called "hotstocks" and it's so I can track Hobbit trading cards."

@sean78648607 @Breaking57 He said .04. It’s a DUI because she’s under the age of 21 in that jurisdiction. If you are under the age of 21 it is DUI if you are at anything above a 0.00.

@Breaking57 He said .40 That’s falling down drunk. Blown away. Unless she is hardcore alcoholic or she drank a shot before she blew in the pipe I find it hard to believe she was that fd up

why do people drive drunk. stay in your house and drink 24/7 i don't care. stay off the roads

@other_st_nick There is a surcharge for each additional person sharing. Even with the surcharge, it is a very good deal.

Either the Buffalo Wild Wings corporation will go bankrupt this summer or I will die of heart complications, only one of us comes out of this alive