Ex

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

@TheTweetOfGod Patricia? Is that you?

No spoilers but try to be at home surrounded by loved ones this Sunday at 2:37am. Although if you’re not, it’s not like you’ll have time to regret it.

"Are thry still bleating, Clarice?" "The lambs?" "No, those two morons they've put in the cells next to mine."

@_wej01 Yes, it is nice, you broke mf

This man asked me if I cook. I said rarely. And he got quiet. I told him I eat out often and it doesn’t break me. By my calculations, I spend the same either way—it’s just me. He goes, “Must be nice to not have to consider eating in or out for dinner.” Sir. WHY are you pocket watching MY dinner budget on a FIRST date conversation? I excused myself, and told him we weren’t a match. Because that wasn’t a compatibility question. That was a control question dressed up as small talk..

@WUTangKids I was hoping it would burst into flames

Wait for it 🤣💀

@dramadeja @hell_line0 Like I told my daughters girlfriend, if you get her pregnant, I'm gonna make you marry her!

@hell_line0 Because unless you’re abstaining, you ARE trying for a baby whether you think you are or not

My doctor asked me was I on birth control Or use condoms and I told her no.. She then asked me was I trying to get pregnant and I said no.. we sat and stared at each other for 20 seconds I kid you not ...

@Jason_GenX @VeneteaBussell @hell_line0 They made me do it even after a tubal (and years of celibacy). It's very patronizing.

@VeneteaBussell @hell_line0 As a CRNA for 26 years, that’s been the policy at every hospital I’ve practiced at unless the patient had a hysterectomy, tubal ligation or was menopausal.

i just had andrew and tristan tate arrested in miami for wearing these outfits

@TheTweetOfGod It's all up to you now

Hey, so, like, didn't the President rape kids or something?

Yesterday, WIRED learned that Madison Square Garden was suing us for our accurate reporting. We stand by our work. That’s why we’re removing the paywall from two of the MSG stories they don’t want you to read, making them free for everyone.

“nobody told me that climate change meant the climate would be different than how it used to be”

i will say lindsey graham being asked by a reporter how mitch mcconnell is doing, answering “i don’t know, i’m going to check right now” and then dying is hilarious

@cecsquared He probably died, so nobody in any hospital has seen him

Shoutout to Mitch McConnell’s caregivers for taking HIPAA so seriously

just got off the phone with mitch mcconnell. we had phone sex.

@beffybadbelly No, they left it wide open when they took my ex out by ambulance

i have a really niche question that has been bothering me for days so i’m going to ask it here if you live alone and you get taken into hospital via ambulance, will the paramedics lock your door for you? or does it like depend on how ill you are?

@Idarabasimi From now on everybody pays for their own dinner.

My daughter has been dating this guy for 2 years. It's fairly serious. He is from Mexico and has been in the U.S. since he was 3 years old. He has a strange phobia of not wanting anyone to see him eat. And it's real...I've literally never seen this kid put a bite of food in his mouth, despite spending a fair amount of time around him. He is thin, but doesn't look unhealthy. The problem is, we will take them out to dinner occasionally for holidays or special occasions. He always orders a full meal. He will cut up the food, push it around on the plate...but not eat ANY of it. Then after the meal, he will "donate his leftovers" to someone else. It's even worse when I make home cooked meals and they come to dinner. He does the same thing...takes a full plate of food, pushes it around, cuts it up, makes it look messed with...but doesn't eat ANY of it. Then he will scrape ALL the food into the trash can afterwards. I'm starting to get enraged over this. He wastes a horrendous amount of food, and I can't stand the money wasted when we buy him expensive restaurant meals that go completely uneaten. It's even caused a few scenes with waiters asking him what's wrong, do they need to change his order, etc. I've talked to my daughter privately and said, "if he doesn't want to eat, that's fine. Just tell him to STOP taking plates of food and ordering in restaurants!".

Guess I missed 17. Oops.

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

@SouthwestAir I guess you left my checked luggage out in the rain at STL? When I got home last night I found that the suitcase was wet, all my clothes were soaking wet, small electronics, medications, everything in it was just drenched. I think you owe me money for inconvenience

Friendly reminder: Trump’s luxury condos in Florida became a hotspot for wealthy Russian women paying big money to give birth so their kids could get U.S. citizenship.

Melania Trump became a US citizen 4 months after Barron was born. Y’all really want to have this fight?

@ChazakielDoremi After endoscopy the gi said it looks like throat fungus but he took scraping and the lab said no so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️ I guess? Seems like it wouldn't have hurt to treat it anyway.

Just had a real 'the vitamin' moment because the doctor put a camera down my throat and went "oh you have a really bad mold infection, no wonder" and it turns out i've been walking around with my entire body inflamed the past fucking year