The Element SA

me: [being murdered] wait are you boosted?

Me: Siri, smite my enemies. Siri: Calling Smith, Emily.

me: thanks so much i o u them: it's pronounced lou

I had Pfizer. I Pfeel Pfine. No side ePfPfects.

managing my anxiety twitter.com/Alpha_Taurus_/…

Ok but how fukin TIGHT was it rearranging your room when you were younger and it feeling like a different space and you’d show your parents and they’d be like wow very nice and you’d be like FUCK yes new room new me

Third time's a charm -me, on my seventh time

someone: ' are u ok? ' me :

I have never been pissed off by potatoes.

Curriculum Vitae sounds like a Harry Potter spell to get a job

When someone speaks when your favorite song is on.

A good measure of how happy you are is whether you want birds to shut the fuck up.

New Xbox skin is 🔥

[garden center] ME: do you have anything that will help my penis grow CLERK: omg what ME: *says the same sentence and mispronounces peonies again*

me: i read pets are important for home security wife: omg are we getting a dog me: *opening briefcase full of bees* bees

at what point should I be concerned how many meals I’m eating of just potato

@AdamBroud Ahh the reason people do anthing - to prove a point 🙃

At this point in Utah, I’m pretty sure it’s only vaccinated people wearing masks

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?