Tarka Dhall.

@JohnnyFocal I don't qualify for WaterPlus but I do have a blue badge. I only use the hose to fill a watering can so I don't have keep walking to the back of the house which with my condition would literally be a pain.

@JohnnyFocal That is chapter and verse from the Affinity email and supporting link.

Are you on WaterSure Plus? Do you have a registered disability that requires water? That does not mean you can water your garden. Stop feed the miss information.

@JohnnyFocal Actually it isn't. I got this from Affinity water.

OK - This is total fiction. Who is telling such blatant lies?

@imageplotter @CountBinface According to Gemini The Bottom Line: Leaving Parliament pauses the clock, but re-entering Parliament restarts it. Farage could not use a future re-election to bypass or outrun an active standards investigation.

I’d love for @CountBinface to win the Clacton by-election, with Farage looking like a twat. But isn‘t that what he wants? To lose & no longer be under scrutiny from the Parly Standards committee, then re-emerge grabbing a seat just b4 the next GE? How can that be prevented?

My surgery recently switched to "AI triage". It's unsurprisingly, absolutely awful. They're clearly so scared that it's going to give you the wrong advice that accidentally kills somebody that it basically tells you to go to A&E for everything. How is this helping anyone?

@LeoKearse Richard Murphy on Count Binface. youtu.be/KyLQ8k1OyeY?is…

Count Binface, and how British satire protects the establishment. There’s a tradition in Britain of only breaking our stiff upper lip to smirk at some twat who’s standing for election dressed like he’s going to run the London Marathon for charity. Count Binface is the latest one, and he’s the sole candidate (notwithstanding a few other cranks such as Piers Corbyn) running against Nigel Farage in Clacton. The usual excuse for novelty candidates is that they give voters an opportunity to make a protest vote against the establishment. But in this case all the establishment parties (the Tories, Labour, the Greens, Lib Dems) aren’t fielding a candidate. Count Binface IS the establishment candidate. He’s played by regime comedian Jonathan David Harvey, an Oxford graduate who according to his CV has written for BBC comedy shows such as The Thick of It, Have I Got News For You and Yes Minister (blimey, he must’ve started young). British satire has always been an establishment controlled release valve. Like the illusion of opposition media in Russia it’s there to give a facade, a reassurance that there’s some sort of democracy, but in reality it’s an establishment tool used to attack insurgents. Count Binface is welcomed onto every establishment news channel (even ones who refused to platform Reform), always with the same smirky smirk, and he’s celebrated by smirky establishment politicians. Over the next few weeks in the run-up to the election in Clacton, I’m going to get sick of establishment goons smirking, and I’m going to get very sick of Count Binface.

@Nick_Metcalfe Julian Dicks didn't muck about either. youtube.com/shorts/A205pJ2…

This is how you do it, Lionel and Kylian. Ray Stewart was quite something else from the penalty spot. He just smashed the ball at a million miles an hour into the net.

Norway is our trickiest game. If we beat them we will beat Argentina. 100%. Tuchel will have looked at that and thought, "OK..." The final? Anyones guess. So guess England.

@AaronBastani Split the Binface vote?

I’m sure it’s a minority view but Polanski should GO FOR IT. Clearly Farage will win, by a large margin, but it would show a fearlessness big two don’t have. Farage has decided to put the spotlight on himself for a month. Why wouldn’t you?!

@raceyemu @fesshole As are all cats.

@fesshole Your cat is a cunt

People say you should let your cat out as it kills wildlife, but when my cat Neko brings in a dead bird or mouse, I leave it in the middle of the garden and a red kite comes down to collect it. My cat is in fact a bird feeder.

@FishyFishkin @Baddiel That is not how the Zen of football works. Live in the moment, don't borrow troubles from tomorrow.

@Baddiel Can we save the mocking the Germans until 7.00 tomorrow.

There’s a new German compound word that means something like “surprising sadness” being minted as we speak.

@TheRealJamieKay That's sickbait.

Marks out of ten?

@fesshole Bi now, gay later.

Realised I might be bisexual when the porn verification came into effect. Only site I could find was a gay porn one. Was able to finish myself off in record time.

@ScottyPufc @TheNorfolkLion As someone living with MS, which side of stairs you use can make a massive difference.

@TheNorfolkLion arrow shows to the left, move the heck over he’s right she’s wrong

This really upset me. What if this was your nan or relative?! An elderly woman was trying to get up the stairs and this arrogant POS stood in her way and wouldn’t move! How hard would it have been for him to move? 😡 Nasty little prick.

@StevenM_STUK @Dangalangalang @LeoKearse You know what Leo is referring to before he has even opened his mouth.

@Dangalangalang @LeoKearse I’m not sure what Leo was referring to. Bit like much of what he writes. Sorry if it wasn’t clear

BBC: "We can't put any right-wing comedians on because they're not funny enough". The comedians they put on:

@bcooolhq @TheRealJamieKay Especially compound interest on loans and savings.

@TheRealJamieKay Managing money. And how interest works.

What’s one thing every 16-year-old should leave school knowing how to do?

@TheRealJamieKay Go into a betting shop read the form and be able to calculate the return on £5 at 3/1 ew assuming quarter odds to place.

@TheRealJamieKay Rename the country AAA United Kingdom so it is top when picking it from a list on a web form.

You become Prime Minister tomorrow. What’s the first thing you’re doing before lunchtime?

@StephenKing This the best joke ever. youtu.be/2vbGrWNgcd0?is…

Funniest joke ever is too long for Twitter, but it's about a duck that walks into a bar day after day, asking, "Got any grapes?" If someone knows it, tell someone else.

@fesshole The game of Bone, Bone, Leave Alone will never die.

I'm a middle aged slightly overweight slightly balding man with no real physical appeal but whenever I go around a supermarket I still play 'would/wouldn't' in my mind with the random stranger women I see as I go. It's a thought experiment. They wouldn't, not one.